90 years of resentment, A cucumber throwing monkey, and a Sun Halo
The Art and Science of Parenting #9
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
Happy Mother's Day to those of you who are celebrating today! Glenn took this photo of baby Praying Mantises emerging from their cocoon other day.... can you imagine trying to keep everything fair for this many kids? Haha. No you can't. But scroll down anyway to learn why you should try (even though it's virtually impossible) and some actionable tips. Spoiler alert: It's all about feelings. Isn't it always?
90 years of Resentment
“My parents bought my older sister more dresses than me.” If you thought this was the complaint of pre-teen, you’d be wrong. It’s the complaint of a woman in her 90’s about a situation from her childhood that she perceived as unfair. Events that happened more than 80 years ago. Something she felt so strongly about she brought it up again and again when talking about her childhood.
Perception is reality. How a person perceives a situation - what they believe, and more importantly, how they feel - is what’s important to them. It is what’s real to them. Did this woman’s older sister really get more dresses? At this point we’ll never know. Everyone else who would know is long gone. But it also doesn’t matter. To her the important thing is she felt that she had been treated unfairly. That her sister had been treated better by their parents. This feeling was so significant she was still talking about it more than 80 years later. It still stung.
A sense of fairness is wired into our brains. In fact, it’s wired into the brains of lots of warm blooded species. In 2003 researchers Sarah Brosnan and Frans de Waal had capuchin monkeys complete a simple task (giving them a rock) and rewarded them with food. One monkey got grapes (highly desired) and the other got cucumber (not highly desired). In the GIF below you can see what the monkey who got the cucumber thought about the unfair pay. It should be noted that if both monkeys got cucumber, neither had a problem with it.
Fairness doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It about comparison. We constantly observe the people around us and look at what they have and how they’re treated. We compare it to what we have and how we’re treated in similar situations.
When we see a difference and the other person seems to get more or is treated better, we often view it as unfair and have strong negative feelings. This is especially true of our kids who have fewer experience, less developed brains, and are still working on their emotional regulation.
There are fair ways to handle most situations. However, from a cognitive and behavioral standpoint, it’s not really objective fairness that’s important. Instead it’s perceived fairness.
It’s not objective fairness that’s important, but perceived fairness.
It’s what a person believes, and more importantly, feels about a situation. If they feel they haven’t been treated fairly, that’s the reality they operate from. The anger, hurt, or disappointment they feel will color how they respond to the situation.
It’s impossible for parents to treat their kids exactly the same. Furthermore, negativity bias virtually guarantees that each kid will end up feeling like they regularly get the short end of the stick regardless of how fair things actually were. The younger kids feel that the older get more privileges. Or get things they don’t get. The older kids feel that the younger get treated more leniently or get more attention.
Fairness comparisons don’t just take place between siblings. What parent hasn’t heard some variation of: “But Noah’s mom lets him.…” or “Emma’s parents bought her a tablet”? Kids also make fairness comparisons with their parents’ behaviors. To a certain extent this is unavoidable. Bedtimes, purchases, driving, alcohol, curfews, chores, and sex… These are all examples of areas where parents have one set of rules for themselves and different rules for their kids. However, just because they’re unavoidable doesn’t mean you should brush aside your kids feelings about them. Have ongoing, open, and age-appropriate conversations. These disparities can cause real resentment and long term damage to the relationship.
Given all that, should you even try? Yes. Because you can. Because it’s the right thing to do. And, so your kid doesn’t nurse a grudge their whole life and end up like our 94 year old friend at the top of this story.
So, what to do?
Address feelings of unfairness:
Show empathy when you know one of your kids believes they’ve been treated unfairly. Important: Empathize, don’t try to “explain” how their perception is wrong and that things really were “fair”. All that will do is cement you into the role of “person who just doesn’t understand”, and shut down communication.
Have conversations about fairness and how some things simply end up being unfair. When they feel unfairness, ask how they would have handled the situation to make everything more fair. Listen more than you talk.
Help them feel seen and heard. Invite them to share their feelings of unfairness with you. They’ll still have them, but they’ll feel less alone.
Be more fair:
Think back and plan ahead. What are the most unfair scenarios at your house? Plan ahead to make them as fair as possible so you don’t have to figure it out at the last minute when you’re under pressure. Better yet…
Ask your kids how to make it fair. Again, best done ahead of time, not in the heat of the moment.
Let them make decisions as often as possible where there are, or might be, fairness issues.
Specific tactics:
Rock, paper, scissors is a great way to decide who gets (or avoids) the coveted toy, activity or chore.
Rotating chore lists so no one gets the yucky chore all the time.
I cut, you choose for food to ensure equal portions: have one kid cut the food and he gets the last piece (which will usually be the smallest) thus ensuring he’ll try to make them all the same size.
Leverage the power of “We”. Whenever possible make unpleasant tasks “we” activities where everyone is involved. Level up by finding ways to make it fun: music, play, competition, etc.
A Sun Halo
On a recent walk, Catherine noticed this beautiful Sun Halo. We wanted to share it with you. 😀
