Are you still an influencer in your kid's lives?
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #31
By: Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
Belonging and the Power of “We”
Do you feel like your kids are drifting away? That you’re losing touch with who they are? That day-by-day you’re becoming less relevant, other than as a source of food, money, and transportation? That your influence is being eclipsed by that of their peers and what they see on their devices? If so, you’re not alone! We hear from parents all over the world that this is one of their biggest concerns.
This happens for (at least) two reasons.
First, the good reason: It is a natural part of the growing up process. Our kids seek out and experiment with different identities, communities, and behaviors. It’s part of establishing an individual identity separate from the family. They’re figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world. It’s what’s supposed to happen.
The not-so-good reason: They’re not feeling enough connection at home. They’re pulling away because they’re looking for what they’re not getting from their family.
So, how do parents stay connected? How do they remain an influencer in their kids’ lives in a world where so many things are competing for their attention? How do they continue to be someone their kids talk and listen to?
A big piece of the answer is lies in the power of “We”. It’s the primal drive we all have to belong. To be part of a community. Harnessing this instinct is the key to staying connected to our kids as the grow, age, and change.
Humans are wired to be social. We all have a drive to be part of a community. In fact, our social nature is one of the defining characteristics of what it means to be human. And it’s incredibly powerful. It’s why team sports are so popular. It’s why national identity and national pride exist. And it’s one of the main reasons soldiers endure the horrible conditions of war and risk their lives when the rational part of their brain is telling them to leave. They do it for their comrades, their teammates who depend on them.
The first group that everyone belongs to is their family. Babies are born completely dependent on their parents and have an instinct to bond with them. To be part of the family group. It’s a matter of survival. Kids WANT to belong to their families. So how do they become disconnected? And how can parents keep that from happening?
It’s all about feelings. (Remember our recent articles about Dog Brain and Marketing?) The feeling of belonging, that elusive sense of “We”, comes from a foundation of being loved, but also from feeling accepted, valued, included, and needed. Feeling like their thoughts, opinions, and interests matter. Feeling and knowing they’re an important part of the family. Feeling celebrated, not just tolerated. They need to feel good about their place in the family and good about their relationship with their parents - at least most of the time.
It’s not just about creating those good feelings - it’s also about minimizing the bad feelings. Parents have to set limits, but make sure they do it in a way that’s clearly about behavior; not character, values, or brains. Let the corrections be educational, not punitive. Let it be about changing behavior, not changing the person. About teaching, not making them feel bad about who they are, what their interests are, or what they want.
If parents are alway trying to “fix” their kids, and most of the interactions are corrections, the kids will quickly come to believe that their parents don’t accept them for who they are. That they don’t belong. And they start looking for somewhere they do belong.
In this TED talk about belonging, hatred, and redemption, ex-skinhead leader Christian Picciolini talks about how everyone needs a sense of identity, community, and purpose - especially kids. It’s what we’re all looking. for.
Here’s the problem:
If kids don’t get that feeling of belonging in their own family, they’ll look for it and find it somewhere else.
They might find the community they need on a sports team, as a member of a club, or pursuing a hobby; but they also might find it with other kids who have poor self-esteem, no positive goals, and engage in risky or self-destructive behaviors. Christian Piccioline found it in a neo-nazi hate group group.
It’s a small step from group beliefs to individual identity. When kids find acceptance in a community, they tend to adopt the culture, beliefs, and purpose of that community. Those beliefs in turn become integral parts of their identity, world view, and values. You want your kid to adopt your family’s culture - not the culture of the group they’ve joined because they don’t feel enough belonging at home.
It’s a tricky balancing act for parents. Being a good parent means having expectations, setting limits, and teaching all the things. At the same time, to maintain a sense of belonging and connection, we have to be able to let our kids grow, experiment, and develop in their own unique way - and find a way to celebrate it.
Home practice:
Identify one thing your kid does or wants to do that’s not in line with your family’s values.
How would you address it if you didn’t care about how much belonging and connection they feel?
How would you talk about it if your goal was to maintain and strengthen their feeling of connection and belonging to the family?
How can you help them feel accepted, valued, included, and needed, even though you have to set limits?
Sunset at the Soccer Game
The view from the stands at my granddaughter’s soccer game was spectacular as the sun went down. Unfortunately, her team didn’t win on this night.