Are your kids thriving in school this year?
Use the CEO model to help your kid succeed in school, and in life.
Parenting Matters #83
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
School’s been in session for a month now - or more. How’s it going? Are your kids struggling? Are you struggling?
Whether it’s your kid’s first year of school or their last, there are 3 core principles that will help them make the most of the school year. Keep reading to learn about the CEO framework and how you can put it into practice today.
Want your kid to do well in school? Of course you do. And while you can’t make that happen, you have the power to make it much more likely. Read on to find out how:
But wait… why are we talking about this now, instead of back in August or September, when school started for most families? Here’s why:
Because back when school started, you were using last year’s system of How to help the kids to do well in school. And because school’s been in session long enough now for you to actually know if last year’s system of studying and accountability is working this year.
Also because: We spoke to a mom last week whose son is really struggling. He’s in 7th grade, but had barely passed 6th. Everything was fine in elementary school - he enjoyed school and got good grades. But that all changed when he got to middle school. There was more homework and tougher tests. He just couldn’t keep up. Once he got behind and his grades started to slip it all snowballed. He felt bad about himself, lost interest, and his grades got worse. He was in a downward spiral.
By the end of the year he was barely passing his classes and homework had turned into a nightly battle that was wrecking their relationship. She hoped summer break and greater maturity would make this year different, but unfortunately, this year hasn’t started off any better than last year ended. She reached out to us for our help in figuring out how to get her son back on track in school.
We asked her about her life, the household, the kids’ routine, and anything that had changed for her son between elementary school and middle school.
Here’s what we found:
She’s a single mom who doesn’t get home from work till 5:30. She has 2 kids, her son in 7th grade and a daughter in 3rd. When the kids get home from school, they spend time on their devices - her son on his phone or gaming system and her daughter on her tablet. When she gets home, it’s a race to get it all done: dinner, cleanup, homework, showers, and to bed on time. There was no one-on-one. No snuggling or relaxing together. And “to bed on time” almost never happened.
She typically relies on her kids to let her know if they have homework. If they don’t have any they can use a device or watch tv until it’s time for bed. She says her son often lies about homework so he can game. She’s tried confiscating his devices, but that ends up creating a battle of wills over homework where he’ll sit with his homework but won’t put in an honest effort or just shift position so he can see what his sister is watching on tv.
What changed between elementary school and middle school? The smart phone and gaming system his father bought him. She now has a hard time getting him to pay attention to anything else.
Ok. Hold that story in mind while you look at this short list of the top 3 (home) factors that prevent kids from doing their best in school…But don’t stop there! Reducing the negatives is a great place to start but it’s not enough. You also have to accentuate the positives - know what the best practices are, and work on them as well. So keep reading so you get the whole picture:
What factors at home prevent kids from doing their best in school?
Chaos. Are there too many people, too much noise and lots of distractions at home? Kids learn best when they’re relaxed, feel safe, and have a predictable routine. You can’t control what goes on at school, but you can minimize the chaos at home so it’s easier for your kid to review, practice, and work on school projects. Home should be a haven.
Tired. Kids need to get enough sleep to interact well with teachers, collaborate with other students, think critically, and recall it later.
Entertainment or electronic distractions. Let’s face it, studying is not nearly as stimulating or interesting as TV, YouTube, TikTok, or a video game. If these are going on in your home while your kids are trying to study, their attention is naturally going to be drawn to them. It’s irresistible.
Did you notice any of those in what the mom told us? LOL of course you did. Every single one, in fact.
So now that we know what hurts your kid’s ability to focus, let’s look at what helps:
What are the best practices at home that help kids thrive in school?
Introducing the CEO model:
Culture. Environment. Optimize.
CULTURE. Intentionally create a culture of learning in your home that prioritizes curiosity, learning, and personal growth. The culture consists of things like this:
Consistent routine. Usually includes play time, family time, dinner, clean up, and dedicated study or reading time even if you don’t have homework.
Dedicated study time. Education is important, so make time for it every day. This will involve multiple conversations as your kids use their impeccable logic to coerce you to evolve your definition of “educational”. 😂
Role Model. What you want them to do - do that thing. Every day. Where they can see you. You might think they never listen to you, but they’re always watching you 👀
Relationship. Create a strong trusting connection with your kid that makes them want to be like you, do what you do, and spend time with you. In fact, this is the most important real estate on this page: If you don’t have a good relationship, it undermines your ability to influence their character in a positive way. It doesn’t matter how well they do in school - if your kid avoids you when they’re grown, the fact that you made them get good grades is worth nothing.
High Expectations - “This is how our family does it.” Our expectations let our kids know what’s important to us and what they’re capable of. Effort is more important than grades or GPA. But wait! High expectations alone are not enough, our kids need emotional and academic support in striving to meet those expectation as well.
Growth mindset. “No one does it perfect the first time. We practice and get better. Perfection isn’t the goal, progress is.”
Curiosity. Cultivating curiosity about the world and how it works sets the stage for lifelong learning both in and out of school.
ENVIRONMENT. Intentionally create a home environment that’s optimal for learning. The environment includes things like this:
Dedicated learning area. Includes a (preferably clutter-free) desk or study area with good lighting and noise cancelling headphones if necessary. Try to minimize distractions like siblings, toys, and devices. Speaking of devices…
Device Policy. When you limit their recreational device time, there’s automatically more opportunities for learning, socializing, and creative play. (Need help creating a device policy? Check out this post.)
Oversight. How much oversight does your kid need for successful studying?
Pro tip: Start with more supervision than you think you need and then back off slowly as you see your kid can handle more responsibility. The goal is to find the sweet spot. Not so much that things start to slip without you realizing it, and not so little that they don’t develop the ability to make things happen on their own.
You can’t be the study police their whole life nor do you want to be. Find the sweet spot between supervision and agency and move in the direction of more agency as they grow their ability to study alone, stick to an unpleasant task, and take a whole project from idea to completion.
OPTIMIZE YOUR KID. Teach (and role model) the skills and habits that make it easier to learn.
Sleep. Sleep experts tell us kids 7-12 need 9 to 11 hours of sleep a night, and kids 12-18 need 8 to 10 hours of sleep to live their best lives. Between activity in the house, devices, and most people’s inability to fall asleep instantly, we can easily say most kids don’t get enough sleep.
Nutrition. A good breakfast with protein and fat will keep your kid’s blood sugar stable so they can focus on school. When your kid is hungry, they’re more easily distracted, less emotionally stable, and don’t concentrate as well.
Movement. Your kid’s brain is not separate from their body. Regular movement improves concentration, enhances memory, reduces stress, and promotes creativity. As an added bonus it releases endorphins and boosts their mood. So get them moving!
Study habits. Prioritize studying for a set period of time even if there’s no homework or projects due. Researching subjects of interest or reading for pleasure are also great alternatives.
Time management. Kids are notoriously bad at time management. Help them learn this skill by using alarms and timers to help keep them (and yourself) on track. It’s amazing how much you can get done when you use a timer and/or restrict how much time you have to do the thing.
Stress management. Talk to your kids about how you manage your own stress, let them see you doing it, and make them practice stress management skills before they need them. Your future self will thank you - and your kids might, too.
So what did we recommend to this mom?
Parenting is a giant experiment and every family is different, but these foundational principles are a good place to start for any family whose kids are struggling in school:
Connection: Prioritize the connection with her son. Spend time with him doing activities he enjoys and make sure the conversation is not about school. A better relationship reduces conflict and makes it more likely that he’ll buy into the family culture of ‘We value education’.
Device Time: Let the kids have device time before she gets home. Once she gets home devices are turned off and she can concentrate on connecting over family activities and supervising study time. Besides, she can’t actually control their device use when she’s not there - short of taking the router to work with her (and yes, we do know of a mom who’s actually done that 😳).
Note: We’re not anti-device. We’re just anti-letting devices wreck your kid’s education and your family life, like has happened to this mom.
Structure: Create a regular routine for school nights. Something like this works for many families: Make dinner (and clean up) a whole family project because it creates a feeling of togetherness and belonging, promotes life skills, and keeps them off their devices by giving them something to do. The rest of the evening is devoted to homework/studying, hobbies/games/family time, or other non-device activities. This includes mom - no scrolling social media or watching tv while the kids do homework.
Monitor assignments and grades: Use the school’s online assignment and grade tracker to keep an eye on her son’s grades and homework. If and when he seems to be struggling, concentrate on supporting him so he can do better. (Blame, shame, and punishments aren’t support.)
Get academic help: Bring in a tutor isn’t shameful - it’s the smart thing to do because it takes Mom out of the role of teacher and puts her back in her natural role: Leader, nurturer, and supporter. It allows her to concentrate on connecting with her son and helping him succeed. Free tutoring is usually available after school and at most local libraries.
A final thought: If you win the battle but lose the war, you’ve still lost. If she gets her son to do better in school (I.e. better grades) but it wrecks their relationship, what has she really gained? Sure, he’s doing better in school, but that’s only a small part of what being a parent is about. And it’s not even the most important part. All the other things she’s trying to teach him like character, values, and relating to other people are at least as important. And those things he picks up by watching and copying her. But how well and which pieces he picks up are strongly influenced by the quality of his relationship with her. The better the relationship, the more likely he is to pick up what’s she’s trying to teach him.
Home Practice:
Which part of the CEO framework needs the most work in your house? Pick one piece to work on this week with your parenting partner. Do not go hog-wild and make too many changes at once. That will backfire. As usual, let us know how it goes. And if you want to brainstorm with us, pick a time here for a free half hour chat with us.
Whenever you're ready, here’s how we can help you:
Are you a parent struggling with your kid's device use, or any other aspect of parenting tweens and teens? Book a free half-hour call HERE and we’ll give you actionable strategies you can put in place immediately to bring peace and harmony back to your family.
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Saturday night fun and games!
It was a wild night of slinging each other across the slick kitchen floor on the office chair.😂😂 😂
When my son was struggling with math last year I negotiated with him to go to math homework help every Wednesday after school. They were able to explain concepts to him there that he had missed. He caught up and started feeling better about math. He also liked it because he has trouble switching contexts between home and school. He would rather do school work at school and relax at home.
At the beginning of this year, I borrowed a phrase from the book “What Do You Say?” and told him that I love him too much to fight with him about homework. He has started off with great habits. He tells me what homework he has as soon as he gets home, and I ask him what his plan is. He almost always says he should get it out of the way before watching youtube/playing video games. And he has been open to my suggestion to do the work at the kitchen table, rather than in the same place in his room that he uses to relax. But I feel something slipping... more and more often, he thinks he has no homework or doesn’t remember having any. When I ask him to check his portal, suddenly the iPad is involved and it’s a slippery slope to lying about being done. I’m sticking with not arguing, but monitoring the situation and keeping the after school homework help option in my back pocket.
Dear Kate,
I too had a math tutor and it worked wonders for me! And you raised another important point: in general, people prefer (and it's better for us, I think) to keep work stuff at work, and home stuff at home. That's one reason why Work From Home was so hard so all of us, adults and kids alike.
I downloaded the book "What do you Say?"..... That's the crux of most of our issues, isn't it? Trying to figure out what to say in the heat of the moment. Looking forward to digging into it.
I hear what you're saying about the slippery slope...trust your gut, check the portal, but also give grace b/c our kids deal with stressors we know nothing about.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for writing!