BEAF: an easy framework for connecting with your kid, a real life example, and a spring sunset
The Art and Science of Parenting #10
By: Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
Dear awesome parent,
Your connection with your kid is your most important asset, but it's just so hard sometimes to maintain a good relationship! This week we're giving you our BEAF framework, to make it just a little bit easier to have a good relationship with your kid.
Intro to BEAF: An easy framework for connection with kids of any age
We all want a great relationship with our kids. But it can be really tough sometimes - especially when they’re older. So what can we do to make a great relationship a reality? A great parent-child relationship is built on a foundation of love, liking, belonging, trust, respect, and connection. But what really counts is how much our kids experience these positive feelings.
In the first issue of our Newsletter, (Here’s the link) we talked about negativity bias and the Magic 5:1 positive to negative interaction ratio and how important it is to ensure a good relationship.
Here’s the hard part: How do you consistently maximize the good feelings, and minimize the bad ones; all the while maintaining boundaries, fostering growth, and staying true to your values?
A powerful method we’ve developed is the BEAF Framework:
Belonging - We all have a drive to belong. It’s wired into us. Parents are the first people kids bond with, and until adulthood they remain the most important people kids need to feel they belong with. Tap into this primal instinct by emphasizing “We” instead of “You” in your interactions.
Empathy - Empathy lies at the heart of our ability to connect with our kids. It helps them feel seen, heard, and understood. Without empathy, it’s almost impossible to build a deeper level of connection. Empathy builds a bridge to your kid’s heart that lets them know you understand what they’re feeling.
Agency - Most parent-teen conflict stems from the struggle over who’s in charge of their life. You, or them? Giving more agency decreases conflict, while increasing trust, respect, and connection. It also prepares them for life as a grown up!
Fun - Playing with and having fun with your kids is often way down the priority list, but it’s the antidote to all those important but un-fun conversations you have to have with them. If you're all serious all the time, they’ll avoid you. Making the time to add more fun to your relationship creates the conditions that make your kids want to spend time with you.
The whole BEAF framework doesn’t have to be applied in every instance. Sometimes only pieces of it are appropriate for a given situation. However, it should become the default way of thinking about interactions with your kids. Look for, and be open to, situations to apply it. Even, and especially, when things are tough.
Our kids have strong feelings. When they’re upset, our natural reaction is to jump in and fix the problem. To make them feel better. But, your kids’ strong feelings don’t have to be a call to action. In fact, it’s often better to let them work things out. You don’t have to step in. Learning to manage their emotions and figuring out how to cope with difficult situations are all important life skills they’ll need as adults.
When you apply BEAF, you let them feel their feelings but also feel supported. You give them trust and respect to find their own solutions and make their own decisions. You strengthen your connection by finding ways to enjoy each other’s company.
Your challenge: next time they’re upset, apply the BAEF framework instead of trying to fix things for them. Let us know how it goes!
The BEAF framework applied in real life
Our kids are grown, so a lot of my parenting revolves around not saying what comes to mind. Yesterday was a perfect example of that.
Our adult son was complaining about his sore arm. He told me he’d had some pain at the gym last week, but he ignored it and continued with his workout. He then had the same pain yesterday, and he ignored it. Again. And today he can’t move his arm because it hurts so much….
I didn’t say the first thing that came to mind, which was something obvious, judgmental, and unhelpful, like “Well that was dumb. You should have listened to your body. Now you’re going to miss work, have to go to the doctor, etc.” I also didn’t say the second thing that came to mind, which was to tell him how to take care of his arm.
Instead, I remembered my rule, Empathy first.
So I said something more appropriate:
“Oh No! That’s terrible! I’m sorry your arm hurts.”
Then I applied the rest of the BEAF framework.
B is for Belonging.
What can I say or do that increases or brings to mind belonging, and a sense of “We”?
I could tell he regretted it, so I said “Oh, we’ve all done things we knew we shouldn’t have and then regretted it….”
He agreed.
E in BEAF is for empathy, and I already offered that…
A in BEAF is for agency…
Instead of telling him what to do, I asked him what he was going to do. It’s his body after all, and he gets to decide.
He said he’d wrap it up, take ibuprofen, and use a cold compresses. Take a break from the gym and maybe not work his second job this weekend. I told him I liked his plan.
The F in BEAF is for fun.
I changed the subject. “What are you doing for fun this weekend?
My son: “Eat cake. It’s my birthday!”
And that’s it. Nothing amazing happened. Just another opportunity to connect with my boy. And I didn’t blow it. : )
A Pretty Spring Sunset
