Competition: How sneaky parents get kids to push past their self-imposed limits.
How our grandson’s competitive streak helped him pass the swim test at our local pool
Parenting Matters #87
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
Your kid is highly capable, but they drag their feet. And you’re tired of pushing them.
If you’re thinking there’s got to be a better way to get them to do stuff, you’re right.
Competition. It’s one of the least-talked-about tools in your parenting toolbox.
“Can I take the swim test now?”
“Are you ready?”
“I think so. I want to try.”
We’d only been at the pool for about 20 minutes and we hadn't expected our 10 year old grandson to want to take the swim test - or be ready to. Unlike most of our grandkids, we hadn’t spent a lot of time in the water with him and he’s not a strong swimmer.
But we should have expected it, because he wasn’t the only kid we had with us that day. We also had 2 more grandkids with us. Kids who were younger than him. Kids who were better swimmers. Kids who had already passed the swim test. All of the elements were in place to set off his natural competitive drive. To match his cousins. His younger cousins.
Let’s back up a bit and tell you how we arrived at this point.
It was a half-day of school and we’d decided to take some of our grandkids to the pool. Because of the logistics of picking up three different kids, we took 2 cars. Glenn picked up the 10 year old and Catherine picked up the two 8 year olds.
Here’s the important part: When Glenn got to the pool, Catherine and the younger kids were already in the pool. In the deep end. Where the 10 year old had never been allowed to go. Before he even got in the water he wanted to know why his younger cousins were allowed to be there - in a part of the pool he’d never been allowed to go in his whole life. We explained that they had passed the swim test and were allowed to swim anywhere in the pool they wanted.
We could practically see the wheels turning in his head. It was obvious to him that his cousins had achieved something he hadn’t. They had privileges he didn’t have. They had status he didn’t have. And here’s the kicker: they were younger than he was. And smaller. He couldn’t stand it. It became his mission to pass the swimming test that very day.
We weren’t sure he was ready, but he was determined, so off we went to find the lifeguard. And he passed. But it wasn’t easy - the last 15 feet of the swim were done on willpower alone. He told us afterward that it was “really, really hard” and he wasn’t sure he could make it. He didn’t want to give up and admit that his younger cousins could do something he couldn’t. His natural competitiveness wouldn’t let him quit.
We didn’t go to the pool with the expectation that our grandson would take, and pass, the swim test, but we did go with the intention of helping him become a better swimmer - and we had a plan. Our choice of his swimming companions was no accident: we knew that pairing him with his younger, better swimming cousins would make him push himself. Do things he probably wouldn’t do if he was just with us. And the best part was we didn’t have do anything to make it happen. No trying to get him to swim farther. No enticing him into deeper water. No persuading him to put his face in the water. Nope, none of that. Instead, all of that happened naturally. He wanted to do those things just to keep up with his cousins. The motivation came from inside him. We simply engineered the circumstances to engage his competitive streak and make all of that happen.
Our grandson isn’t unique: Most kids are naturally competitive. With a bit of planning, you can use their competitive spirit to your advantage.
You too can engineer situations that will bring out your kid’s competitive nature to get them to do things that no amount of cajoling or persuading would get them to do.
A word of caution: Most kids are highly motivated by competition and respond by working even harder, but some lose all interest in those situations and refuse to even try. If your kid is one of the few who hates all things competitive, you likely already know it and don’t use this as a strategy in your parenting toolbox. And that’s ok. There are lots of strategies. This is just one we’ve been using a lot lately.
Also worth noting: We didn’t verbally pit him against his younger cousins. There was no “Look at your little cousins. They can do something you can’t do.” No, we let him come to that conclusion himself and decide what to do about it. Kids hate being negatively compared to others. They do enough of that all on their own - they don’t need us to do it too.
Home Practice:
Think of something you want your kid to work on or get better at, that you’ve been having trouble getting them to do. Is there a way you can use their competitive spirit to move them in the direction you want them to go?
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Beauty:
Parenting is hard work, and we hope you take a moment to admire the beauty around you. Here’s our lovely view this morning!
