Do you feel like smashing your kid's device?

10 steps to a device policy that will make everyone happier and keep the devices safe from fed-up parents.

The Art and Science of Parenting #53

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

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Dear Awesome Parent,

You’re tired of fighting with your kids over screen time. Or your kids are little, but you know the time is coming. Either way, you need a device policy. It will save your sanity. Yes, really. Just go ahead and make your first draft right now. Or at least start the conversation with your other half. Your future self will thank you.

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Don’t smash that device yet!

Are you tired of struggling with your kids over screen time? Do you worry about the negative effects of too much device use? Are devices damaging your relationship with your kids? If so, you’re not alone! As technology has become more and more a part of our lives, getting kids to put their devices down can be real challenge.

Fighting over screen time can seem like a never-ending battle that sucks the joy out of being a parent. Phones. Tablets. Gaming. TikTok. YouTube. Snapchat. It’s what your kids crave. And it’s never enough! The more they use them, the more they want. Getting them off their screens is a constant struggle. You end up nagging, threatening, or yelling. You don’t want to be the device police, but it seems that’s all you do. You know there must be a better way. There is:

You need a device policy.

Like, yesterday.

We’ve got you covered. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. We have a set of guidelines you can use to help create a device policy that works for you and your kids.

That being said, a device policy – even a really good one – isn’t a magic bullet. Devices are compelling and your kids are incredibly drawn to them. They light up the reward centers of their brains like a Christmas tree. And a device policy, by its very nature, restricts their access to to them. This creates a significant potential for conflict and bad feelings. That means your device policy has to work hand in hand with the most powerful tool in your parenting toolbox: a great relationship with your kids.

Your best bet to minimize conflict over devices is to have a great relationship with your kid.

That’s why the success of your device policy is tied to how good your relationship is. A good relationship means less conflict overall, including over devices. The other side of that coin is also true: A device policy that your kid believes to be overly restrictive or unfair can seriously damage your relationship. That’s why our 10 step process starts with the mindset of prioritizing the relationship.

Now, without further ado, here’s the 10 steps to a device policy that minimizes drama, prioritizes your relationship, and maximizes the good times you have with your family.

Step 1: Mindset - Prioritize your relationship with your kids. If you’ve read even one of our newsletters, you’ll know that having a good relationship with your kids is the foundation of good parenting. And it’s the best way to get them to do anything. Including going along with your device policy.

So, what does “Prioritize your relationship” look like when creating a device policy? It means including them in the process. It means asking, and truly listening, to what they want and how they feel. You don’t have to take their suggestions, but allowing them to participate creates goodwill. It makes it more likely they’ll go along with the rules of the house. It creates a “we’re in this together” dynamic instead of a “parents against kids” dynamic. It promotes a feeling of belonging, which is the very foundation of family.

Step 2: Review your existing device policy. What works well and what doesn’t? Don’t have one? Move on to Step 3.

Step 3: Talk with your spouse or parenting partner and make a list of your priorities about devices. Here’s some questions to get you started:

• What are your greatest worries about devices?

• What’s your biggest device problem right now?

• What do you hope to achieve with your device policy? Limit device time? Restrict what they do or where they go?

• How do devices fit in with the rest of your parenting goals? (physical health, mental health, emotional health, social skills, education, etc)

When your list is complete, rank your priorities from most important to least important.

Step 4: Use your list of priorities to brainstorm device rules to create your ideal device policy.

Here are some examples of rules used successfully by families we know:

• No devices at the dinner table unless you’re expecting a call from your employer, doctor, or lawyer. (This includes having the TV on during dinner).

• Streaming, gaming, and TV takes place in the public part of the house, not in bedrooms.

• No recreational device time (social media, tv, gaming, streaming, etc…) until after all responsibilities are completed.

• Earbuds and headphones: one ear must be free at all times to interact with other people when they’re in the public part of the house.

• Devices get turned off at 8pm and are plugged into the charging station in the parents bedroom or a public area of the house.

• Kids can earn bonus device time by doing extra work that benefits the family or by reading for pleasure offline.

• Recreational device time is from 5-6pm during the week.

Step 5: Ask your kids what’s important to them, what they think is fair, and what would be appropriate consequences for breaking the rules. Remind them of your priorities and concerns, and ask for their input on a fair device policy that addresses your concerns. Really listen and make sure they feel heard.

Step 6: Review your kids’ suggestions. Incorporate some of their ideas and create a first draft of your new device policy. Pro Tip: Include some terms in your policy you’re willing to give ground on.

Step 7: Talk to your kids again and present your draft policy. Make sure they understand the rules and the consequences of non-compliance. Take questions. Listen to their comments and objections. Are there any areas you can compromise on?

Step 8: Finalize your device policy and give it a trial run. Set a date to review it in a week or two and ask yourself:

• What’s working well?

• What’s not working well?

• Is it meeting your goals?

• Are there parts that are difficult to monitor or enforce?

• Is everyone mostly OK with it? Or is it causing conflict in the house? If so, which parts?

Step 9: If necessary, update and revise your policy based on your review.

Step 10: Set a schedule to regularly review the policy with your partner and your kids. Revise your policy as your kids, the technology, or your circumstances change.

Congratulations! You’ve created (or updated) your device policy. What’s next?

You may discover that your rules aren’t clear enough. Clarify them.

“Clear is kind.”  That’s what Brene Brown said and she’s right, especially when it comes to your device policy.  Be crystal clear about your rules and make sure everyone understands them. This includes how they can get more device time and what the consequences are when they don’t adhere to the policy. You may need to go back and clarify your expectations. In fact, count on it. What’s clear to you is usually not clear to other people. Write this on a sticky note and put it on your fridge: “Clear is kind.” 

Have on-going conversations about devices and online content.

That's how you make sure everyone is still clear about expectations. It’s also a great way to help shape their thinking about screens, what they’re doing online, and how they’re being marketed to. Reminder: Make sure it’s a conversation, not a lecture. You want their hearts and minds to be engaged and that happens best when there’s a back and forth. An exchange of ideas and opinions. When that happens, they’re thinking about what you’re saying AND you get an inside glimpse into what they believe about important topics like:

• Porn

• Sexting

• Cyber bullying

• Device addiction

• Skinny culture and anorexia

• Social media and influencers

This is how you have a real influence on what they think, believe, and feel about important topics. If you’re simply talking at them, they’ll probably tune you out.

Your kids are bored and whining for their devices. Emphasize what else they CAN do.

Most device policies are about restrictions: “Only X hours of screen time a day” Or “You’re not allowed on Y social media platform” Or “All devices off at 8pm”

But your device policy doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It exists within the context of your home environment. It’s a recipe for discontent if you tell them they can’t be on their screens but you don’t have other activities available for them to do instead. They need things they can say “Yes” to when you tell them “No” for their devices. So, what else is there for your kids to do at your home if they can’t be on their devices?

Some examples of non-screen options other parents we know have made available to their kids to relieve boredom and keep them busy:

• A dedicated craft area with easily accessible supplies and individual work areas.

• Sports equipment: basketball hoop, soccer goal, lacrosse sticks, baseball bats and gloves.

• Ping pong, foosball, and pool table.

• Bikes, skateboards and scooters.

• A backyard Ninja Warrior course!

• Zipline, slackline, and trampoline.

• BB gun, bow and arrows, slingshot.

• Fire pit, firewood, and an axe (!!!)

Remember: Parenting is an on-going experiment to find out what works best for your family. So, iterate, iterate, iterate. And let us know how it goes in the comments!

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Crescent Moon Setting

Out for a walk after dinner, we caught sight of the crescent moon setting through the pine trees.

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