Dog Brain
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #26
By Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
Dear Awesome Parent,
The school year is upon us with lots of new opportunities for the kids, so we’ve got 3 new opportunities for parents. We’ll roll out one each week for the next 3 weeks. Here’s the first:
Substack has a new feature we’re trying out this month: they call it a Thread.
It goes something like this: We send you a very short email early Monday morning with a topic to think about. Then at 10-11 am EST (also on Monday) we gather in the discussion thread to discuss the topic and anything parenting. The thread is called Parenting Matters. Keep an eye out for it.
Dog Brain: The real reason your kid doesn’t act the way you think they should.
We expect our kids to respond to our reason and logic. But often they don’t. They have big emotions and they can act on them without thinking. It’s frustrating. Thanks to science, now we know why: Dog brain.
We’ve all got one, it’s in charge more often than we think, and it’s really obvious in our kids.
What is Dog Brain?
It’s a shorthand way of thinking about the subconscious part of our brains. We humans like to think of ourselves as rational and logical, but the truth is our rationality is just a layer on top of a very primitive brain that’s responsible for our emotional responses and feelings. So primitive in fact, that it’s often called lizard brain. Or dog brain. It’s more complicated and nuanced than that of course, but it can be a useful way to think about the way our brains work and how they often make decisions.
Even just knowing you’ve got a dog brain puts you way ahead of everybody else who still thinks their rational self is completely in charge.
Most of us have had dogs or spent time around dogs, and it’s not hard to figure out what going through their brains most of the time.
Food
What their pack (including their human pack) is doing.
What other dogs are doing or have done.
A comfortable place to lie down.
Sex
Their wants and needs are pretty basic, and in a lot of ways, many of our (and our kids’) needs and wants are pretty basic too. Here are a few of the important ones.
Food
Status
Belonging
Connection
Our dog brain is constantly sending us messages about these things. However, these messages are not in words, instead they’re in the form of feelings, emotions, or urges that just seem to seep into our consciousness without us being aware of it.
Have you ever been hungry and not realized it but find your thoughts keep turning to yummy foods? That’s dog brain talking to you. Advertisers know all about dog brain. Their best tactic is to make us feel desire for the thing they want to sell. They show us slow-motion images of delicious food. Scantily clad women in beer ads. Beautiful, happy people at resorts.
So now that you know that dog brain exists - and that you and your kids have one - now what do you do?
Remember it exists and that it’s an important part of you and your kids. Say things like this to yourself: “My kids and I have a well developed dog brain. We’re not just logical.”
Label it when you see it in yourself and in your kids. For example: “Well hello dog brain, I see you’re here again.”
Talk about it, with humor, when possible. Try this: “That was my dog brain speaking. Let me try that again without the dog.”
Home practice with your partner
Think of a time recently when your Dog Brain was obviously in charge. (It’s in charge most of the time, but sometimes it’s more obvious than others.) Label that #dogbrainmoment. Pick the right time to tell your spouse about it, laugh about it, and invite them to tell you about their own dog brain moments.
What would you have done differently if your rational brain had been in charge in that situation?
Home practice with your kids
Introduce the Dog Brain concept and take turns reminiscing, with humor, about your dog brain moments. This works best when 1) you explain the concept, 2) you go first to set the example, and 3) you keep the conversation positive and light.
If you’re ready to blast your kids to the top of their peer group in EQ, make #dogbrain a regular part of your family conversation. When people (especially young people) understand the basics of their own and other’s motivations, they’re less likely to be taken advantage of, and more likely to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.
Clouds
It was another summer thunderstorm. The front edge of the storm had just passed overhead and the rain was starting. I looked up and this is what I saw.
