Expectations - How to use the most powerful parenting tool, a case study in meowing, and Canada Geese at dawn.
The Art and Science of Parenting #7
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
Since this letter is about expectations, let me tell you about Easter: There was BBQ, adorable kids squealing in anticipation of a sugar high, and Easter eggs filled with candy, confetti and the occasional dollar bill. Everyone had a great time. Expectations met.
But, there was also an impromptu game of soccer/rugby and let me tell you - my expectations of my own fitness level were definitely not met. It turns out the daily 10 thousand steps and occasional kettle bell routine over the winter did not prepare me for the cardiovascular workout of running around like a nut with with littles. There will definitely be a tougher workout routine next winter!
Expectations, Part 2. Relationship: your most powerful tool
The gap. There’s expectations, and then there’s reality. Often, there’s a gap between your expectations for your kid and how they actually behave. This can be incredibly frustrating. In your mind, the expectation is well within your kid’s capabilities, and yet they just can’t seem to meet it.
It’s easy to get frustrated and simply assume your kid and is being lazy or defiant. To think it’s time to stop asking and start demanding. To institute more monitoring, more correcting, and more punishment for non-performance.
Sometimes that’s what it takes. While a hard-line approach might get the performance you’re looking for, what it will also do - if you’re not careful - is degrade your relationship with your kid. When you get into a cycle of demanding, monitoring, correcting, and punishment the main thing you really accomplish is to drive a wedge between you and your kid.
The way out?
Use the most powerful tool in your parenting toolbox: your relationship.
Prioritize your relationship. It might seem counter-intuitive, but working on your relationship even in the midst of conflict can make it much more likely that you’ll end up with a win/win situation. You get your expectation met and your kid isn’t (as) upset about it. Your relationship is strengthened, or at the very least, little damaged in the process.
The Principal of Reciprocity is one reason why prioritizing the relationship works so well. Reciprocity is a social norm. It means people are more likely to respond positively to other people’s positive actions. When you’re nice to other people, they’re much more likely to be nice to you. (It’s much more complicated and nuanced than that, of course. Reciprocity is just one of many factors affecting why relationships work or don’t work.)
Look at your own life. Think about someone you’d go the extra mile for. Someone you’re close to. A person you want to please. When you have a good relationship with someone, you’re much more likely to do what they ask. It’s human nature to want to please them, not someone who’s constantly on your case. You might do what that person wants in order to get them off your back, but your relationship is going to suffer.
The Nuts and Bolts of Prioritizing the Relationship
If you’ve decided the expectation is important, and it’s the appropriate time to address it, here are some ways you can approach it in a way that prioritizes the relationship:
Dig Deeper: Be a sleuth and figure out what’s causing the gap. Perhaps they’re just being lazy or defiant, but there’s usually something more going on, and it pays to look deeper. Talk to them. More importantly, listen to them. What else is going on in their lives?Are they struggling in other areas? Are they physically, mentally, and emotionally capable of meeting the expectation?
Apply Empathy: As adults, we sometimes forget that being a kid (especially a teen!) can be hard. Let them know you understand their point of view and empathize with their feelings of how hard/unfair/terrible it is. You can make them feel seen and heard without having to agree with them.
Give Agency: Ask them for their input on a solution. We all want to have a say in the decisions that affect our lives. Our kids are no different. If they can come up with a solution that works for you, it’s a win-win.
Remember “We”: Most things, but especially those we struggle with, are easier when we do them with someone else. Is there a way to make the area where your kid has a gap into an activity that is done with someone else? At least temporarily until they can and will do it on their own?
Make Time for Connection: Carve out time where your only goal is to connect with your kid. Especially when there’s conflict. Concentrate on having fun. Have a meal together. Watch a movie or tv show. Go for a walk or some other favorite activity. Don’t bring up the the expectation they’re failing to meet.
Expectations: A case study in meowing.
Anna meowed. A lot.
Meowing kittens are cute. Meowing 10 year olds - not so much.
“Anna, Have you done your homework?"
“Meow.”
“Anna, get ready for bed.”
“Meow.”
“Anna, what do you want for lunch?”
“Meow. Meow.”
You get the idea.
When my friend’s kid was little, she loved cats. She wanted to be a cat. So she meowed. A lot.
Her parents were not amused. She had been talking for years and now all of the sudden she was meowing. She wasn’t behaving the way they expected. They wanted the meowing to stop - immediately. They threatened. They bribed. They begged. They ignored. There was tension. There were bad feelings. It became a battle of wills.
Anna is now a grown up with a husband and a daughter. She’s in her third year of college, and she’s on the honor roll. Is she still meowing? She is not. The meowing stopped.
It’s tempting to think whatever awful or annoying thing your kid is doing (or not doing) will last forever. If this continues, your child is doomed. This behavior needs to stop right now. Or at the very least, as soon as humanly possible. Let us assure you: most things are not as urgent as you think. Most behaviors will work themselves out in time.
That doesn’t mean you just give up. You don’t just let time fix the problem. It means don’t freak out and jump straight to harsh tactics right away. It means you have time to employ the most powerful tool in your parenting toolbox to speed things up.
The #1 tool in your parenting tool box is your relationship with your kid.
Questions for parents:
What is your kid doing (or not doing) that you wish you could change?
Look back in time - have you seen any change in the right direction?
Look forward in time…what might this look like in 6 months? 2 years?
What would happen if you let it take it’s natural course?
Give yourself, and your kid, a little grace, whenever possible.
How would you have handled the meowing situation?
Can you think of a creative way that would not have been harmful to the relationship?
Even better, how could you use this behavior to your benefit to enhance the relationship?
Moonset at Dawn with Canada Geese
"Wow, that was a lucky shot!" I heard that, or variations of it, from most of the people I showed this picture to. But was it really luck? Not really. I keep an eye out for pretty skies, and when I saw color in the west as the moon was setting I went out and started taking pictures. I couldn't have predicted that geese would fly by, but when they did I was there with my camera and got this picture.
Regarding luck, I think the Roman Stoic Philosopher Seneca said it best:
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."
Get out there. Follow your passions. Put in the work and make your own luck!
