Get your kid back on track with the CAP framework like this mom did when her kid was failing out of school.

Use the CAP framework to reconnect with your kid and watch them thrive again when life dishes out challenges.

Parenting Matters #66

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

Dear Awesome Parent,

Today we highlight a client success story, and exactly what the mom did to help her daughter thrive again.

The CAP Framework:

Connection, Agency, and Pass It On

Our client, Susan was desperate to fix her daughter’s problems. Her daughter Anne, a junior in high school, was failing most of her classes, isolating in her room, and showing signs of anxiety and depression. (Names changed for privacy, of course).

On top of that, Susan and Anne’s relationship had deteriorated to the point that the few interactions they had generally resulted in bad feelings. It was corrections, criticism, and badgering on Susan’s part and monosyllables or silence on Anne’s. Making matters even worse was the fact that Susan’s fiancee and his son had recently moved in, and Anne avoided them as much as possible.

At school, Anne had some special needs and an IEP (Individualized Education Program) to help her with them. However, Susan felt some of the teachers weren’t complying and the school administrators weren’t taking her concerns seriously. Because Anne was uncomfortable standing up for herself and speaking to adults, Susan spent a lot of time emailing teachers and talking to Anne’s guidance counselor and principal - who were tired of hearing her complaints. It was to the point that they were threatening to kick Anne out of school if Susan kept bothering them.

Yikes. It was a giant tangle of interconnected problems that were threatening to derail Anne’s future. Susan was struggling to get her daughter back on track and not having any success.

Luckily, we’ve had experience with challenges like this, and knew the steps to fix it. We introduced Susan to our C.A.P. framework, specifically designed to help parents of middle and high school students reconnect with their kids and get them moving in the right direction again so they can make meaningful progress with their education and their life.

CAP stands for Connection, Agency, and Pass It On. These are 3 crucial components of parenting that allow your kids to thrive as they develop and mature:

• Connection: A secure connection to you is the foundation that lets your kids be the best version of themselves. It also ensures that they’ll continue to allow you to be an influencer in their lives - even when you’re not there with them.

• Agency: Giving them more agency in decisions that directly affect their lives makes them more engaged, lets them feel the consequences, and prepares them for life as an adult.

• Pass It On: You’re not always the best person to teach your kids. Your relationship with them can get in the way, and you’re not an expert at everything - but you don’t need to be. Often the best way to make sure your kid learns something - and preserve your relationship with them - is to let someone else teach them.

(You can remember the word CAP because it’s part of high school graduation - the cap and gown - as that’s the path most parents want for their kids).

Now let’s see how Susan applied the CAP framework with Anne.

Connection.

Anne felt disconnected from her family. Her dad wasn’t around, she didn’t talk to her mom much, and there were strangers in the house. We advised Susan to prioritize the connection with her daughter instead of prioritizing her grades.

Susan dialed back the criticisms and hounding – particularly over the school work – and simply concentrated on doing things with her daughter that she knew Anne enjoyed. Shopping. Eating at favorite restaurants. Going for coffee. Fixing yummy meals together. Watching movies or tv shows. Mostly, keeping their interactions light, low-key, and positive.

Did it work? Yes. Lo and behold, Anne started wanting to spend time with her mother. She would hang out in the public part of the house. She came to meals instead of eating in her room. She started talking to Susan‘s fiancé. They watched movies as a family. She even started opening up about the things that were bothering her or that she was worried about.

In our experience, when you prioritize the connection with your kid, everything else gets better. We’ve seen it happen in our own family, and every other family we’ve worked with.

When you prioritize connection, your kid feels better about themself, their relationship with you, and their place in the family. When kids feel better, they do better.

Want more ideas on how to strengthen your connection with your kid? Check out these past issues of our newsletter:

• The Magic 5 to 1 Relationship Ratio

• Does your teen want nothing to do with you? Use the 5 F's to fix that today.

• Make a meaningful connection with your kid today. Connection, Part 1 of 3

• Top 2 tactics wise parents use to connect with their busy teens. Connection, Part 2 of 3

• The Most Under-Rated Connection Tactic: Meet Them Where They Are. Connection, Part 3 of 3

Agency.

Anne’s life was in a downward spiral. School, home life, and the relationship with her mother - all were in free fall. And she felt powerless to change it, because her mom’s instinctive response was to step in, take control, and “fix” everything. But that just made Anne feel even worse.

Everyone, especially teens, need to feel they have a say in their own lives. By taking control, Susan accidentally denied Anne the opportunity to make decisions, act, and have power in her own life.

We advised Susan to empower Anne when she complained about her situation, instead of trying to fix it herself. To shift her role from “fixer” to “supporter” of her daughter’s efforts to improve the situation herself.

Did it work? Amazingly well. Anne rose to the occasion. With help and encouragement from her tutor, (whom you’ll hear more about in the Pass It On part of the CAP framework) she turned in an impressive backlog of overdue assignments and completed new homework and projects on time. She emailed her teachers, advocated for herself when she needed assistance, and spoke to teachers and administrators when she had to. In short, she stepped into the role that her mother had taken on, gained confidence in her ability to speak up on her own behalf, and created the change she needed to move forward in her life.

Pass It On.

Susan wasn’t making any progress with the school or her daughter’s grades. In fact, her efforts were making the situation even worse: her daughter was barely speaking to her and the school was threatening to kick Anne out if Susan kept harassing the teachers and administration. Something had to change. We advised her to pass this job on to someone else.

So Susan hired a tutor. She made it the tutor’s job to help Anne bring her grades up, to be the liaison between Anne and her teachers, and to eventually hand that job off to Anne herself.

Did it work? Yes. Anne’s grades came up to A’s and B’s. With her tutor’s assistance, she learned to communicate with her teachers and advocate for herself when she needed extra time or assistance to complete her assignments. She passed all her classes that year, became a senior, and graduated with her classmates. Her GPA was high enough to get her into the college of her choice, where she is currently thriving and just finished her freshman year. Best of all, she has a great relationship with her mother and step-father.

Home Practice:

You don’t need to wait til you’re in dire straights like Susan and Anne to put the CAP framework into practice. Prioritize your connection with your kid over whatever other thing you’re trying to fix or get them to do. Let them have more of a say in their lives by giving them more agency. Outsource something you’re trying to fix, teach, or help them with and watch the positive changes come rolling in.

And tell us about it! We love to hear from you. 😃

A Pretty December Sunset

For the last week here on the east coast of the United States smoke from the wildfires in Canada have turned our skies grey (or a worse shade) and the air hazardous to breathe. We thought it would be nice to share a picture of a pretty sunset we had last December.