“Help your kid start accessing their inner wisdom at your next BBQ
This mom's simple approach holds the key. Spoiler alert: Marshmallows : )
Parenting Matters #64
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
You have lots of wisdom. You want to pass it on to your kids, but you know you can’t just hand it to them on a platter. You can try to explain things to them, but that doesn’t always stick. So, how exactly do you help your kids learn all the important stuff and become wise adults? Especially when it comes to their own bodies?
Kids learn things lots of different ways, so there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but giving them opportunities to learn from their experiences is a great method. And you can supercharge that process by giving them agency in the their lives, letting them feel consequences, and helping them reflect on what happened. There’s details though, so let us share with you a great example of this. This real-life story involves a 5 year old, but it holds equally true for bigger kids and adults: Here’s what happened:
We recently overheard this conversation between a 5 year old boy and his mom at a cookout:
The Boy: “Mommy, can I have another marshmallow?”
The Mom: “How many have you had already?”
The Boy: “I had 2.”
The Mom: “Let’s check in with your belly. How does your belly feel right now?”
The Boy: “It feels good Mommy.”
The Mom: “You’ve had a lot to eat this evening. Is there room for another marshmallow?”
The Boy: “Oh, yes Mommy.”
The Mom: “I’m glad your belly feels good. You can have another marshmallow. Let’s make this your last one.”
(And yes, there were lots of charred marshmallows eaten that night!)
Let’s dissect this convo, shall we?
The first thing to note is this: the mom answered her son’s question with another question. She wanted more info before she made a decision. That’s always a good tactic. More info is almost always better.
As soon as she had the info she wanted, she invited him to check in with his body - to see what it was telling him from the inside.
When he (predictably) said he felt good, she reminded him of what had happened recently: that he’d already had a lot to eat.
Here’s her thought process:
“I won’t always be around to be in control of what he eats, and I want him to make good decisions about what he puts in his body. So I’m going to help him learn his body’s signals for when he’s had enough.”
She expertly shifted the convo from “Can I have another?” to “How do you feel? / Is there room for another?” because these are questions he can ask himself in the future, to help him make good decisions when she’s not around.
When she said “I’m glad your belly feels good. You can have another marshmallow.“ she was tying the decision of *another marshmallow* to his sensation of *belly feeling good*, not to her authority as person who allows or disallows another marshmallow.
He asked permission to eat another marshmallow, so it’s obvious that she’s still exerting control over his food choices…But, by including him in the decision making and asking for his input, she’s starting the process of handing-off control to him.
The sooner that process is started and the more practice he gets, the sooner he gets good at it. And that’s the real goal - that he makes good food choices when he’s on his own.
Notice her last line: “Let’s make this your last one.”
Even in this last statement, she was sharing authority over what goes in his body. She used the word “Let’s”. She made it clear that she’s not the only one in charge of his body.
So, Part 1 is having a goal.
The mom has a long term goal: her son listens to his body, and doesn’t make decisions solely based on what he wants.
Part 2 is giving agency.
The mom in this example gave her son agency by changing the question: she asked if he had room for another marshmallow. She asked how he felt. She allowed him to participate in the decision making.
Part 3 is noticing consequences.
We didn’t get to witness the possible consequences or convo around the consequences of eating (at least) 3 marshmallows.
However. If we were the parent in this situation, we’d be keeping a close eye on his mood. Is he hyped up? Feeling cranky? Easily upset? Complaining of a headache or stomachache? Unable to sit still, follow directions or unwilling to go to bed on time?
Part 4 is reflecting.
We would invite him to remember what happened and think critically about it, especially if there was an obvious natural (unpleasant) consequence. It’s for helping him see the consequences of what he did (in this case, he ate at least 3 marshmallows on top of lots of party food).
Here’s some questions we might have used if he was our kid to help him reflect on his experience:
First, set the stage/help him remember:
“Last night was really fun! You got to roast marshmallows at the neighbor’s house!”
Then, gentle reminders of the not-so-fun things that happened. For example:
You didn’t feel good later and you sat in Mommy’s lap for awhile.
You needed to lay down when we got home and you couldn’t play on the trampoline with your cousins.
Note: Your 5 year old isn’t going to automatically realize and/or agree to the cause and effect that’s obvious to you. And even if they do, they’re not going to say “Why yes, thank you for pointing that out, I’ll never eat too much candy again.” 😂
You’re going to have to point it out to them. And be ready for them to disagree. They’re likely to say “No, that’s not why!” And you’ll carefully tuck this one into your memory bank, ready to trot it out again next time you’re helping your kid reflect on cause and effect. Because there will be a next time. This is a skill you’re building, and it grows very slowly. (Just think of all the adults you know who don’t listen to their bodies, or they listen, ignore, and then regret 😳)
PS: This was just a single incident we witnessed with one of her kids, but when we talked to her later, we found out she does this all the time with all of her kids so they’ll have this skill when they’re grown. She’s aiming far down the road, not just trying for the behavior she wants in the moment.
So…goals, agency, natural consequences and reflection: Where did these come from? And why are we so obsessed with them?
I (Catherine) worked for many years as a wilderness expedition leader at Outward Bound. The framework we follow there goes like this:
Have a goal in mind. At Outward Bound, the goal is for the students to safely complete (part of) a wilderness expedition by themselves. This is similar to the mom’s long term goal in our example: that her son (eventually) be able to make good choices about what goes into his body.
Create opportunities. At Outward Bound we created opportunities for our students to learn the skills (and experience the consequences) they needed to successfully complete the final leg of their wilderness expedition by themselves. In our marshmallow story, the mom didn’t have to create an opportunity, she simply used the situation at hand to give her son the experience of participating in a decision, and any possible natural consequences.
Encourage reflection. At Outward Bound, we prioritize time for reflection together every evening after dinner around the fire, as well as create space for personal reflection alone. In our example above, if it was our kid eating (probably too many) marshmallows, we would keep a close eye out for possible natural consequences (not feeling well) and gently help him see the connection between his actions and how he felt afterwards.
Home challenge:
Summer is almost here and that means barbecues, parties, and family gatherings. Will there be an opportunity for your kid to eat too much? We bet there will be! (Maybe even today or tomorrow, with it being Memorial Day Weekend here in the US). That’ll be the perfect time for you to shift the convo from “Can I have more” to “How do you feel?” and “Do you have room for more?”
And how about you, dear reader? Will there be an opportunity for you to eat too much, notice that you’re not at your best afterwards, and reflect on it out loud in your kid’s presence so they can (possibly) learn from it?
Grab those opportunities. Give them agency, allow (and notice) the natural consequences that occur, create time for reflection, and tell us what happened!
The First Bleeding Heart
The white outer portions of the bleeding hearts had been out for days, but the inner red parts had been slow to show themselves. Finally a single blood-red flower appeared, shining in the sun.