How to help your kids manage their device use, a Mastermind for parents, and a selfie with a goat.
The Art and Science of Parenting #4
By: Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
Dear awesome parent,
Sometime soon, your kid will be deciding HOW MUCH TIME TO SPEND ON THEIR DEVICES (I know, scary, right?)
Here's the good news: you can set them up for success by giving them lots of opportunities now to practice self control. Besides, being the phone police is exhausting, doesn't teach self regulation, and can damage your relationship.
How to help your kids manage their device use
Are you worried that your kids are spending too much time on their devices? Have you noticed the more time they spend on their devices, the less happy they seem to be? You’re not imagining it.
Research has shown none of us are very good at knowing what actually makes us happy. (Especially our kids.) They want to spend time on social media, gaming, or YouTube and TikTok because it’s pleasurable. They enjoy it, and because they enjoy it, they think it will make them happy. That’s not how it works though.
What the science shows (See this article) is clear: more device use = less happy kids. When discretionary device use exceeds an hour a day it is directly correlated with greater unhappiness. It’s face-to-face social interactions, sports, and other non-screen activities that actually lead to greater happiness for our kids.
We all want our kids to be happy. But we also know that devices are here to stay. How do we help them find the right balance so devices enhance their lives instead of leading to unhappiness?
Devices fill many roles in our lives, so we can’t just lump it all together as “device use” and treat it the same. They’ve become indispensable and ever present. There’s a big difference between our kids using their device to binge watch cartoons vs. researching a subject they are passionate about. Or an endless scroll through social media vs. maintaining a relationship with distant friends or family.
How do we help kids find balance between device use and the rest of their lives? How do we do it in a way that doesn’t create conflict and damage our relationship?
Our kids need to learn to self-regulate, but they might not if we’re always there imposing limits from the outside. If we leave it up to them, they still might not learn it because the content on their devices is so stimulating and their brains so immature. They might not be able to stop themselves from consuming the content they find so engaging - and will have no incentive to do so.
Is there a middle path? Yes, but it’s not a “one-size-fits-all". Your kid, your situation, and your values are all unique. Here’s the questions and strategies you need to find the solution that works for you and your kid:
Assess the Situation
Where are they now? How is their self-regulation on devices? Who sets the limits? Do they generally stick to the limits, or do you need to enforce them? If you enforce, how do you do it, and are both parents on the same page?
Are there other problem areas? What other areas do your kids struggle with self-regulation? Food, homework, chores?
What are the impacts of their device use? What positive or negative effects is their current device use having on other aspects of their lives? Family, education, physical and emotional health, responsibilities, other interests?
What are they doing on their devices? Is it entertainment, social interactions, or for learning and creative projects? Do you have different rules for different types of usage?
How are you role-modeling device use? Is your own device use congruent with the limits you set for your kids? If not, how do you justify that to the kids?
Strategies
Shared Rules - As much as possible, try to have the same device rules for everyone in the family. When there are differences, be clear on why those differences exist and be empathetic to their feelings of unfairness. Remember, kids are extremely sensitive to perceived unfairness, and how they perceive and feel about a situation is what's real to them.
Shared Activities - Make device use a shared activity as much as possible. (Games, shows, research, etc). Devices can be used in ways that bring us together or in ways that are isolating - accentuate the former. Shared fun activities are a powerful way to bring people together.
Agency - Whenever feasible, allow your kids as much input as possible when making decisions about the rules regarding their devices - it’s very important to them. The more they feel they have a say, the less likely they’ll feel like an “unfair” set of rules is being imposed on them from the outside.
Engagement - Have open, honest, and ongoing conversations with your kids about devices - the pros as well as the cons. Talk about your own experiences with the temptations that devices offer. Remember, kids will only be engaged in a conversation to the extent they feel their voices matter, so listening is more important than talking.
Other Activities and Opportunities - It’s easy for devices to become the default free-time activity for our kids. It might seem obvious, but when they’re actively engaged in other things like sports, hobbies, in-person play, or family time, they aren’t on their devices. Having other activities can help a create a natural limit on device use - they’re simply too busy with other things to spend lots of time on their devices.
Remember: Their device habits have been developing for a long time. They won’t learn self-regulation overnight. This is a long game - a very long game. Current research shows that our kid’s brains aren’t done developing until they’re 26 (!!!) and if we’re being honest - we parents are still working on self-regulation too. The true goal here is that our kids get better at self regulation in all things, not just this. Today it’s a device, next year it will be something different. Our immediate goal is to take baby steps, in the right direction, every day. These steps add up, like compound interest. Every day, our kids will get a little bit better at self-regulation, and apply it to their lives. And so will we.
Selfie with a Goat
We have a few openings in our parenting mastermind:
Our free weekly parenting mastermind has a few slots available. We meet for an hour every Thursday at 10am EST on zoom.
What is the parenting mastermind? It's a diverse group of parents who are committed to their own and each other's growth. It meets weekly on Zoom where the members discuss a selected parenting topic as well as offer their perspectives and insights on other group members' parenting challenges.
This might be for you if:
You’d love to have a better relationship with your kid, age 5-25.
You have a parenting challenge that's making you crazy.
You would like to hear different perspectives on your parenting challenges.
You feel alone and would love to be part of a small group of parents who are committed to each others’ growth as parents.
You would like to share your perspective and help other parents with their challenges.
You want to parent differently than your parents, but catch yourself doing some of the same things.
You can commit to at least one month of meetings.
What you get:
membership in a small, committed group of parents who share their struggles and wins, listen with empathy, and cheer each other on.
short weekly articles on parenting to spur thought, discussion, and growth as a parent.
support in making any changes you want to make to your parenting.
If you think you this might be for you and want to find out more, click here to choose a time that works for you so we can answer your questions and help you decide if it's right for you.