How to manage your moods, the emotional tone of your house, and a butterfly.
The Art and Science of Parenting #5
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
Do you have a moody kid? Are you a moody parent? If you're in a good mood, you might not notice it much. But if you're in a bad mood, or with someone who is, you suddenly notice:
Mood Matters.
Mood Management Matters, too.
Wanna learn more about how how powerful your moods are, and how to make your home a happier place? Keep reading. And if you're already an expert on mood management, just skim to the bottom for Glenn's gorgeous butterfly photo.
What's the Dominant Emotional Tone in your house?
“I couldn’t wait to get out of the house when I turned 18. My parents always seemed to be angry. Nothing I did was ever good enough and every conversation was about what I was doing wrong. Since graduating college, I barely speak to them and only go home for the holidays to see my siblings.”
An Angry Kid. The above quote is from a man describing the dominant emotional tone in the house where he grew up. He remembered the atmosphere as a toxic stew of anger, judgment, and criticism. He and his siblings lived in constant fear of their parents’ displeasure. No one was happy and there was a lot of fighting amongst the kids. He characterized himself from this time as “an angry kid who had a hard time fitting in and made a lot of poor choices.”
There had been some good times, but in his memory they were the exception, not the norm and were far outweighed by the bad.
How kids feel when they’re at home matters. It matters a lot. From the time they’re born, kids are incredibly sensitive and responsive to their parents’ moods. After all, parents are the source of food, love, shelter, and security. If the parents are stressed and unhappy, the kids usually are too. Conversely, if the parents are happy the kids will pick up on that as well.
Kids’ extreme sensitivity to their parents’ moods means the emotional environment of the home has a profound effect on their development. In other words, how kids act, react, and make decisions is deeply affected by how they feel. Do they feel good most of the time, leading them in the direction of confident, curious, and kind? Or do they feel bad most of the time, leading them toward insecure, fearful, and angry? (This is a wide spectrum, of course. These are just two opposite ends.)
Parents are the natural emotional leaders of their families and set the emotional tone in the home. Whether you realize it or not, you’re already doing it. Now, we invite you to do it with more intention.
Keep in Mind:
Perception is reality. Our memory of events and the feelings associated with them are subjective. If we perceive an interaction as negative (it makes us feel bad) then that’s what’s real to us. It doesn’t matter what the other person’s perception is, or even what an objective observer would say. How we perceive it is what matters to us.
Negativity Bias. We’re hardwired to pay a lot more attention to negative events that make us feel bad than positive ones that make us feel good. Even if there are, objectively, as many good experiences as bad in a relationship, our perception will be that there is a lot more negative. We latch onto the negative and let the positive slide off.
Food For Thought:
What was the emotional tone in your house when you were growing up?
If someone asked your kids what the emotional tone in your house is right now, what would they say?
How good are you at recognizing your mood?
How good are you at changing it when you want to?
Mood Management Matters
If you’re not as good as you’d like to be, try this:
1. Assess your Mood Management Skills.
How often you in a sucky mood?
Do people avoid you because of your bad moods?
How good are you at getting yourself out of a bad mood?
2. Commit to the Mood Meds experiment. Make a list of your favorite things that help get you in a better mood. These should be easy to access, legal, and not too bad for your body (because your body’s important, too.) Here’s a short list of our personal favorites:
food (because hangry is a thing in our house)
upbeat music
guided meditation
talk to happy people
engaging book, podcast or video
a small task that requires concentration
exercise (preferably outside in the sun)
3. Practice. Leave your list somewhere you’ll see it often, like by a mirror or doorway. Try to use your Mood Meds before you need them, to see if they take you up a notch emotionally.
4. Try them out For Real. For an extra-strength dose, stack several of your techniques together.
5. Assess, again. Which mood med works best, and when did it work? Do some work better at home and others work better at work? You need to know which ones work best, the ones you can rely on.
6. Tell your spouse and kiddos about your Mood Meds experiment. Invite them to experiment on their own, or just use your leadership position as parent to get your family to join you. They can also give you valuable feedback on if and how your experiment is working.
7. Tell us what you did and what you learned. About yourself, your techniques, and the effect your family. We can’t wait to hear about your experiment!
A Zebra Swallowtail on a Lantana flower
