How to raise tough kids Part 1, Kill the toad? and the Buck Moon.
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #19 /Catherine Lynch & Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Are your kids getting soft from a summer of laying around with chips and ipads? Enjoy the beginning of our series on raising tough kids:
How to Raise Tough Kids, Part 1
“Kids in this country are soft”
That’s what a man told me recently.
There was an implication of needing to toughen them up. That the parents should do that by being hard on them.
There’s a fundamental decision you have to make: Is your home going to be a safe haven where they can go to recover from the harshness of the world, or will it be a place where you’re always on their case so you can toughen them up?
Here’s our vote: Make your home a haven from the world. It’s the place where they (and you) go to recover from the world at large. It’s where they go to lick their wounds, where people are kind to them, where they can let down their guard. Where they can gain strength and courage to go out and face another day. Where they don’t have to be tough or put up a front. Where they can be themselves.
Life out in the world is tough enough.
Your home doesn’t have to be tough, too.
Kill the Toad?
“Are you going to kill that toad?” I looked at my guest in surprise and then looked where he was pointing. It was at the toad that lives under our front porch. I rarely see him/her, but we’d just had a thunderstorm and it was evening. The toad had come out and was at the edge of the sidewalk.
“No,” I said, “why would I kill it?” He shrugged and said that that was just how his family had always done things. Whenever wildlife (bugs, rodents, snakes, toads, etc…) had come near the house, they were immediately killed. It was just what his family did and it was what he now did at his house. I probed a bit further and he said, “They’re gross and dirty and I don’t want my kids to touch them”. “Well,” I replied, “it doesn't bother us so I'm going to let it live its life in peace”. With that, we went into the house and the matter was over.
Later, however, I thought about his comment and it got me thinking about the values, beliefs, and habits we pick up from our parents simply by living with them. It’s the water we swim in and absorb without thinking. It’s one of the ways we belong in our families: People like us do things like this. It’s just the way things are.
We all like to think we’re right to hold the values we hold and that if someone holds different values, they’re wrong. In this case, I believe that as long as the wildlife isn’t bothering us, we should let it be. But I also happen to know that his parents are from a part of the world where some of the local wildlife can kill you or your kids. Their attitude of “kill it” stems from their very valid concern for keeping the family safe. The fact that there isn’t a lot of dangerous wildlife where we live hasn’t been enough to overcome the habits instilled in him by his parents.
Think about your life and your habits, beliefs, and values. Some of them you’ve arrived at on your own by consideration, but how many of them did you pick up simply by living in your parent’s home? How many did you absorb from the broader culture and community that you grew up in?
Back to our friend who wanted to kill our toad. We’ll keep working on him and his kids - kindly, and with the empathy that comes from understanding his culture and upbringing. 😃
The Setting “Buck” Moon
