How to raise tough kids Part 3 and a Zebra Swallowtail

3 Pillars Parent Newsletter # 22

Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

---

Dear awesome parent,

It’s hot. You are not too old to play in the sprinkler and eat popsicles : ) Go for it. It’s summer. Let your inner child play!

What’s up with us:

• Our newsletter now comes to you from Substack, the hottest new publishing platform out there. When we’re done moving our previous issues, it will be much more convenient for you to read old issues on our Substack website instead of digging through your email.

• We’ll be launching a paid newsletter soon with cool features like invitations to special events, journal prompts, and a community where you can ask questions, discuss your challenges and get inspiration. What else would you like to see?

---

How to help your kids develop grit

Let’s get real here. Adulting is hard. If your kids don’t have grit, their lives will be even harder when they’re grown. And no one wants that for their kid. The solution (or at least part of it) is to help them develop grit while they’re young. If you do that, the transition to grown up is so much easier.

Someone more eloquent than us said it like this:

Think about your own successes. The ones that are the most memorable, the most significant, and the most consequential. The successes you’re most proud of. They didn’t come easily. You had to work for them. You had to overcome obstacles, dig deep, and persevere. In short, you had to develop grit.

Now you’ve got kids. And you want them to be gritty too. Even if gritty isn’t everybody’s goal, we can all agree on this: Nobody wants a wimpy kid. A kid that gives up when things get tough. A kid that’s afraid to try hard things.

So, how do you get a gritty kid? First, some good news: It’s not a one-and-done event. It happens slowly over time. You get lots and lots of chances to help your kid get some grit. So if you miss an opportunity, or if a well meaning friend, spouse or family member wrecks your plan, remember this: It’s ok. There will be more opportunities.

The 5 main ways to help your kid get grittier:

1. Recognize opportunities to strengthen your kid’s grit. These opportunities are all around you and once you learn to see them, you can’t un-see them. Anything your kid does that’s physically, mentally or emotionally uncomfortable or challenging will bring about a smidge more grit. Even if they don’t finish it. Even if they whine and complain about it. It all adds up. Also: anything they think they can’t do or is harder than they want to do.  Activities like finishing the homework. Continuing to work on the knotted shoelace. Carrying the heavy groceries. Practicing driving in the dark.

2. Create opportunities. Take them hiking. And biking. And swimming. And climbing. Encourage them to finish what they start. Don’t carry them when they’re tired. Encourage them to carry heavy things and do hard jobs. Have them do chores, even (and especially) the yucky ones. Not as punishment, but as a part of daily life. Because they need to be done. Even when they’re tired, even when the chores are gross. Washing greasy dinner dishes. Dealing with the trash. Cleaning up after the dog. A cheerful attitude and doing the yucky stuff together - at least some of the time - can go a long way.

3. Embrace natural consequences. These are the unfortunate things that you let happen. That you don’t save your kid from. Don’t save them from themselves. They forgot their raincoat? Let them get wet. They forgot their homework? Let them experience the lower grade. They won’t wear their coat? Let them get cold. They forget their lunch or lunch money? Let them be hungry. (Unless it’s your fault.) They’re not going to die, and they will learn from their experiences. Because we all know experience is the most powerful teacher.

   

4. Outsource experiences to other people/organizations who can give you kid opportunities to grow more grit. Sign them up for experiences where other people make them do hard stuff. For example, our local Dept. of Parks and Rec. sponsors a camp with an obstacle course where the kids do things like crawl through mud and swim through ice water.  They get gritty without you getting wet, muddy or cold. The camp counselors have that job. Sign them up for sports. (Let them choose which sport.) Sign them up for music. (Let them choose which instrument.) Their coaches will ensure they work hard and get some grit along the way so you don’t have to do all the work.

5. Review their experiences with them. Help them see that they’re capable of more than they thought. They’ll slowly take on their new identity as “gritty kid’. Once they see it, they won’t be able to un-see it. It will stick like bubblegum in hair. 😆

• NOTE: As always, the devil is in the details. When in doubt, remember the Golden Rule and apply BEAF: Belonging, Empathy, Agency and Fun. Because the goal is also for them to feel good about being gritty, not just think you’re mean for making them do hard stuff.

Our challenge to you:

• Imagine you have 2 pair of glasses. When you look through pair #1, you see ways to make your kid’s life easier. When you look through pair #2, you see opportunities to help your kid get grittier. 😎

• Look through glasses #2 and choose an opportunity for your kid to work on their grit. Encourage them to do more than they thought they could do, or more than they want to do. Without being a jerk, of course. 😅

• Reply to this newsletter. We’d love to hear about it. Did your kid gain an extra smidge of grit? This is a marathon, not a sprint. The goal is not to go from couch potato to olympic gold medal winner in one day.  💪

  ---

A Zebra Swallowtail from our garden