How To Reduce Conflict Over Devices
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #36
By: Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
Are your kids always on their device, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to put it down?
Are you tired of being the device police? You want to have fun with your kids and enjoy your life, not be constantly arguing about devices.
Devices are an indispensable part of our lives. And let’s be honest - you love them. And your kids love them too!
Despite all this goodness, there’s a problem. You’ve spent decades practicing self control. Your kids haven’t. This creates problems for lots of families. There’s conflict over how much and what kind of access the kids are allowed. They want unlimited time to consume whatever they want. You know too much screen time and certain types of content are bad for them.
Conflict over devices is frequently a major source of contention for many families and can be a real disruption to the household. Beyond that, device conflict can actually damage your relationship with your kids.
If devices are a problem in you home or it’s something you worry about, you’ll enjoy our top 10 practical strategies, habits, and mindsets to help you get out of the device enforcement business and back to enjoying your kids. If that’s not you, please stop right now and forward this to a friend who complains about their kids always being on their devices : )
Create a device policy with rules that are clear and consistent.
Brene Brown says “Clear is kind” and she’s right. Be explicit about your expectations and rules, and make sure everyone understands.
The rules will be different for different family members, so be clear about why those differences exist and be prepared for those with less privileges to feel it’s unfair. Empathize with their disappointment.
Your plan will have a better chance of success - and less resistance from the kids - if you get their input on what’s fair. You don’t have to adopt their suggestions, but they’ll feel heard and how they feel is important. (Remember that. You’ll see it again later 😉)
Review your device policy regularly to keep it up to date.
Be flexible.
Parenting is all one big experiment. Experiment often to figure out what works in your house, for your circumstances, with your kids.
As their wants, needs, and ages change, different things become important to them. Adjust accordingly.
Don’t be afraid to break the rules sometimes. Have a Harry Potter Marathon or give them an extra hour (or two) of device time on a rainy day, when you desperately need some down time, or on date night.
Set a good example - you’re their role model.
Author Robert Fulghum hit the nail on the head when he said:
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”
Obey your own rules. Kids are masters at picking up hypocrisy. If they see you breaking the rules they’ll feel justified in breaking them too.
If your device is your go-to activity when you have leisure time, you can’t act surprised when your kids do the same thing.
Keep the ultimate goal in mind: Their device use is self-regulated.
You can’t be the device police forever and you don’t want to be.
If you do all the device regulating, they won’t learn to self-regulate.
Here’s a model to help them learn:
First, you set the limits and enforce them.
Then you set limits together and give them opportunities to self regulate - but you monitor their efforts. Expect them to fail at first.
Finally they do it on their own. You monitor discretely from a distance if they still live at home and interfere only if you see it affecting their education, work, or family obligations.
Keep them busy with other activities.
This is obvious but it’s worth saying again: When they’re doing something else, they’re not on their devices.
This is especially powerful when it’s part of the family culture - ie. everyone spends their free time on a variety of personal interests, activities, and family obligations, not just on their devices.
Alternatives to recreational device time: Hobbies, sports, games, reading, play with friends, musical instrument, arts and craft projects, homework, studying, chores and other family responsibilities.
Turn devices off at dinner.
This applies to everyone, including parents, adult children, and guests.
Exception: If someone is expecting a call from an employer or doctor they can keep the phone on, but face down and away from the table so they’re not tempted to look at it.
Find activities you can do together on devices.
FaceTime with relatives.
Send gifs, photos and memes.
Explore YouTube rabbit holes.
Make time to watch or play their favorite games, movies, and videos with them.
Use devices in the public part of the house when possible.
Have a homework table in a central part of the house for kids who do homework on their computer, the family computer, or their iPad.
Keep iPads and gaming systems in the living room/play room. This prevent kids from isolating in their bedrooms with their devices and helps you know what they’re up to.
At bedtime, all devices stay in the public part of the house. This is easier to enforce when there’s a central charging location.
Don’t demonize the device or what your kids want to do on it.
Kids identify strongly with their favorite activities.
When you speak badly about things they love to do, they start to feel a little bit bad about themselves. You drive a little wedge between yourself and them. You damage your connection just a little bit.
Over time, these negative interactions/comments add up.
Don’t be a jerk.
But if you are, apologize.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
Home practice:
Review your device use with your spouse. Are you satisfied with your own efforts at self-control?
Ask your kids what they think a fair device policy would look like - and listen to what they have to say with an open mind.
Great Blue Heron
Driving down Gulf Boulevard across the barrier islands of Florida’s Gulf Coast, we came upon a tiny park on the bay side. We stopped to stretch our legs and see what there was to see. What we found was the king of the fishing pier. Majestic and unafraid, he stood tall and refused to leave his spot.
