Logical Consequences are great. Here's how they can go wrong and how to make them better.
Our granddaughter, a jammed vacuum, and the consequence that were logical to us, but not to her
Parenting Matters #104
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Most modern parents we know try not to punish their kids too much, and make use of consequences instead. We used a logical consequence last week, and noted a few of the many ways consequences can go wrong, and how we can all do them better. Enjoy!
“What the hell!?”
I was looking at the trail of dirt and debris scattered behind me across the floor. It was early morning and I’d just gotten the vacuum out and was dragging it across the kitchen to vacuum the play room.
*Sigh*
I figured the last person to use the vacuum had turned it off before all of the dirt had been sucked into the bag and it had leaked out. I’d just have to vacuum it up again.
A hassle, but no big deal.
So I plugged the machine in and turned it on.
BWUPP! BWUPP! BWUPP!
I just about jumped out of my socks at the horrible sound coming from the vacuum.
I quickly turned it off and said a few choice words because I knew that sound - the hose was completely jammed and the motor was trying in vain to move the clog into the bag. Imagine sucking on a straw as hard as you can with your finger covering the other end.
I recognized the sound because I’d heard it just the week before. Our teenage granddaughter started a home flower arranging business and had used the vacuum to clean up her room after a weekend’s work.
And she’d completely jammed the vacuum.
And returned it to the closet that way.
And didn’t say anything.
And just like this morning, I’d discovered it the next time I tried to use the vacuum.
BWUPP! BWUPP! BWUPP!
It’s a real pain in the butt to clear the jammed tube. You have to use a screwdriver and actually disassemble the vacuum. Then you force the debris out using a broom handle.
The first time she did it we figured maybe she just didn’t know any better. She simply didn’t know what you can and can’t vacuum up. So we called her down and made her stand outside in the cold with us as we took the machine apart and unclogged it.
She was clearly unhappy and claimed that it wasn’t her. That the vacuum was working fine when she put it away.
So we examined what had jammed the tube:
Rose stems
A pen
Ribbons
Candy wrappers
All items that she’d been using in her flower arranging.
We told her that the vacuum wasn’t designed to handle things like that and to only use it to suck up dirt and small stuff.
In our minds, problem solved.
She’d broken our vacuum, so we’d called her on it and made her stand out in the cold with us as we fixed it - and demonstrated that it had indeed been her.
A logical and reasonable consequence as far as we were concerned.
So I was doubly upset a week later when the same thing happened again. A completely jammed vacuum put away without telling us.
And when I took the vacuum apart I discovered:
Rose and other flower stems
A pencil stub
Rubber bands
Ribbons
Candy wrappers
Obviously making her watch us fix the vacuum and giving her a lecture about how to use it hadn’t worked.
So we upped the consequences:
We told her that she couldn’t use our vacuum any more. She needed to buy her own.
All perfectly reasonable in our minds.
She broke the vacuum.
We’d fixed it and explained how we wanted her to use it.
Then she broke it again.
Now she doesn’t get to use our vacuum anymore. She has to spend her own money to buy one.
Of course she’s unhappy and feels we overreacted. But to us this was a logical consequence that followed directly from her actions.
Logical Consequences
Logical consequences are one of a parent’s most effective teaching strategies. In fact, they’re probably your bread and butter approach to applying correctives to your kids’ actions. You have rules in your house. Standards of behavior you expect your kids to adhere to.
And when your kids break the rules?
There are consequences, of course.
Consequences that are usually related in some way to the offending behavior.
If you do (or don’t do) X then there will be consequence Y.
If you don’t eat your veggies, you don’t get dessert.
If you don’t do your homework, you can’t play video games.
If you don’t turn off your device by 8 o’clock, you lose your device privileges tomorrow.
Logical consequences are good, but they’re not perfect.
The problem with logical consequences?
They often don’t feel logical to your kid. In fact, your consequences just feel like punishment. it’s likely your kids will feel:
That your rule or logic is unfair.
That they don’t deserve the consequence.
That you don’t understand the situation
That you’re being too harsh.
Angry that you’re enforcing a consequence for their action
Because with logical consequences, you’re the one who enforces the consequence. You’re the heavy. And that can have an impact on your relationship.
After all, it’s YOUR consequence. It’s YOUR logic connecting the consequence to their actions. And the rule they broke? It’s a reflection of YOUR values and YOUR priorities.
Your kid has their own desires, their own priorities, and their own logic.
In their mind, they have perfectly valid reasons for doing what they do.
Your logic will be fighting against your kid’s feelings - and their feelings will win that battle every time. What they want is more important than your logic.
Some examples:
Your logic: Too much device time is bad for your body, your mind, and your real life relationships. So there are restrictions on your device usage.
Your kid’s feelings: Devices are wonderful. They’re so stimulating and interesting! I want to be on them all the time.
Your logic: Vegetables are important for a healthy body, They’re way more important than dessert. So you need to eat your vegetables before having dessert.
Your kid’s feelings: Vegetables don’t taste good so I don’t want to eat them, but ice cream is yummy so I want that.
To your kid, your priorities are either too abstract or simply unimportant when compared with their own much more immediate wants.
Does that mean you should’t use logical consequences?
Of course not!
Logical consequences are an important teaching tool we use to help our kids learn all it takes to be a successful adult and live a good life. They’re also part and parcel of living in society. There are all kinds of laws, rules, and customs we live with as adults that have logical consequences if we violate them.
If you don’t show up for work consistently, you get fired.
If you drink and drive, you lose the privilege to drive.
If you don’t pay your mortgage, your house gets foreclosed on.
So how do we apply logical consequences so that they feel the least like punishment? So they do the least damage to our relationship with our kid?
Set up your logical consequences before you need them. That way they aren’t a surprise when you use them.
Talk with them about your expectations and find out what they think would be appropriate consequences for violating your rules. You don’t have to take their suggestions, but getting their input helps them feel involved. It lets them know that what they think matters.
Link your priorities to their priorities. For example: you want them to have healthy habits (good nutrition, enough sleep, etc.). Connect that to their desire to do well at their favorite sport.
If you think you need to use a consequence, listen to their side of the story. It might not change what you do, but it lets them feel heard.
Be empathetic when you use a consequence. This can be hard! It can be incredibly frustrating when our kids break the rules - especially when we know they know what our expectations are. We often feel completely justified in meting out our consequence. “They knew the consequences and went ahead and did it anyway! They deserve it!” We certainly felt this way about the vacuum cleaner.
If you can’t manage empathy, at least try not to be vindictive or punitive - no matter how frustrated you are.
Finally: Give grace when you can. Does your kid need to be perfect all the time, or can you give them a break sometimes? As a parent you have a tremendous amount of power. Use it wisely.
What’s your take on logical consequences? Let us know in the comments.
The First Flowers of Spring
Crocuses we discovered coming up in the woods last week.
