Make a meaningful connection with your kid today Part 1 of 3
The Art and Science of Parenting for thriving kids, happier families, and healthier communities.
The Art and Science of Parenting #39
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
It’s the holiday season! No matter which holidays you celebrate, and no matter how old your kids are, the kids are home more, which means you have more opportunities to connect with them. But you also have more opportunities to clash with them… Therefore, our theme this month is Connecting with our Kids. Please enjoy the first of 3 short guides on connecting with kids of any age over the holidays. (We’ll keep them short, we know it’s a busy month!) And for our dedicated readers who don’t have kids, this still applies to you, because connection is a thing worth getting better at, weather you have kids or not.
But first, THE BIG NEWS:
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And this: You may have noticed we finally settled on a real and descriptive name for our parenting newsletter: The Art and Science of Parenting. Expect more art, more science, and more fun!
Be Friendly, Be Kind, Don’t be a jerk.
Does it sometimes seem like a constant struggle to connect with your teen or pre-teen? That sweet lovable kid of just a couple of years ago now doesn’t want to talk to you? Every attempt at conversation is met with monosyllables? Anything and everything you say is the wrong thing? Your very presence is sometimes an irritant?
If so, you’re not alone. Teen and pre-teen moodiness is so common, it’s a cliche. And it’s no wonder - teens and pre-teens are smack in the middle of that difficult transition from child to adult. That means big changes to their bodies, their hormones, their identities, and their relationships with family and peers. Combine this with their still developing emotional regulation and you have the perfect recipe for moodiness.
They’re driven to assert their independence but still need us - though on their time and terms. This can be frustrating because we’re often not sure which kid we’re going to get when we talk to them - the one who wants to connect or the one who wants to be independent.
You know how important a good connection is during the tough teenage years. Your kid will face a host of challenges as they grow towards adulthood. It’s more important than ever to continue to have an influence on them. For them to continue to view you as someone they can come to when they have problems. You know this gives them the best chance of growing into a happy thriving adult - but often the relationship is fraught and it’s easy to lose your influence. You’re left wondering - how can you maintain and even grow your connection when they don’t even want to talk to you?
1. Stop doing things that weaken connection.
(tl;dr: Don’t be a jerk.)
Think about your life. We all have people in our lives - at work, in our extended friend group, or family - who we prefer not to spend time with. People we don’t want a deeper connection with and tend to avoid. What is it about these people that causes us to feel that way? Our kids aren’t really that different than us. They want to be around people that make them feel good about themselves and avoid people who make them feel bad.
What inhibits connection with our kids? Being judgmental. Micro managing. Comparing them (negatively) to siblings or other kids. Not trusting them. Making assumptions. Jumping to conclusions. Not respecting them. Fixing their problems for them (without being asked to). All of these chip away at our connection with our kids.
Remember negative bias - The fact is that we (and our kids) pay a lot more attention to negative interactions than positive ones. This means it doesn’t take all that many instances where they perceive the interaction as negative (judgment, shaming, anger, micro-managing, etc.) to overshadow all of the positive interactions we have with them.
Note: Saying “No”, setting limits, and disagreeing with your kids is a normal part of parenting. But you can do all that, and even discipline hem, without being a jerk. Without doing undue damage to your connection. Stay tuned: we’ll dive into this important topic in future articles.
2. Start doing things to strengthen your connection.
(tl:dr: Be friendly.)
John and Julie Gottman, the founders of the Gottman Institute, are two of the premiere couples counselors in the world. They have a saying: “Small things often”. What they’re talking about is having lots of small positive interactions as often as you can. These help counter-balance the negative interactions that are part of all relationships. While the parent-child relationship is different than a romantic relationship, the same principle applies. The more positive interactions you can have with your kid, the better your relationship will be able to handle the inevitable conflicts.
Here are a few examples of small things you can do to connect with your kid:
Show empathy
Send a cheerful text or gif.
Acknowledge how they feel.
Tell a joke or make a funny face.
Invite them to play a favorite game with you.
Reminisce about a good time you had together.
Be friendly - smile and greet them by name when you see them.
Be curious - ask questions about their favorite sport, influencer or hobby, and be interested in the answer.
Be appreciative - write a note or tell them something specific you admire about them or something they’ve done and leave it where they’ll find it.
Go out for a favorite meal or coffee - just the two of you. Concentrate on having a good time and don’t talk about behaviors of theirs that bug you.
3. Be the kind of person they want to connect with.
(tl;dr: Be kind.)
Now think about the people you like. What is it about them, and your interactions with them, that makes you want to spend time with them? To hang out with them? Many of the characteristics you look for in people you choose to be friends with are the same traits that make our kids want to connect with us.
People who like, value, and support them. People who like to spend time with them and aren’t judgmental. People who know how to have fun, and don’t take everything too seriously. People they trust, respect, and can rely on. People who show a genuine interest and enthusiasm in the things that are important to them.
For example, recently we had to muster up genuine interest in monster trucks, superheroes, professional wrestling, power lifting, and nail polish.
Note: We aren’t advocating for you to try to be your kid’s best friend. We are advocating for being the kind of person your kid can connect with and look up to - someone who is kind, respectful, trustworthy, humble, and generous - someone of good character.
Questions/Home Practice:
Think about the people you like and admire. What qualities do they have that you’d like to cultivate more of in yourself?
What opportunities for connection with you kids have passed you by in the last few days?
What mini opportunity for connection could you make today?
Hibiscus Flower
Great name for the newsletter
Thank you. My only regret is that it took 9 months to come up with the name!