Meet Dylan: A case study in tough as identity; and "Our" hummingbird.
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #24
By Glenn Collins and Catherine Lynch
WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTO BELOW
Meet Dylan. He’s 5. He’s a tough kid, and he knows it. It’s already a part of his identity. He’s the youngest of 3 kids and hates being called a baby. He knows big kids are tough - which to him mostly means not crying.
Now meet Duke. Duke is an 18 month old Belgian Malinois. He’s the family dog. He has lots of energy and his favorite game is keep away. He’ll bring you a ball, drop it near you and wait for you to try and pick it up. He then darts in, grabs it before you can, and runs off. He’ll happily play this all day.
He and Dylan were playing recently, and of course, Duke wanted to play keep away. Dylan decided to try a new strategy: instead of trying to pick up the ball, he would step on it first to prevent Duke from getting it. His strategy didn’t work as planned. His foot got to the ball about the same time as Duke’s mouth. Duke has sharp teeth. This was the result.
But Dylan is tough. He didn’t cry. Not when Duke bit him. Not when his parents washed and examined the cut. Not when the ER doctor gave him a shot of novocaine. And not when it was stitched up.
He had already internalized the message that big kids don’t cry. It’s part of his identity. And this incident has really cemented it. His parents, siblings, extended family, and even strangers all made a big deal over the fact that he didn’t cry when this happened. He’s gained a lot of status for his behavior and it’s been a massive reinforcement of his self-identity as a “tough kid”. That he doesn’t cry when he gets hurt.
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how we act are incredibly important.
They form the basis of our identity. They help shape how we react to everything life throws at us. This is particularly potent when there are experiences we can point to that validate our story. This is the case with Dylan. He thinks of himself as tough and now he has the lived experience of not crying when he was seriously hurt. He knows he has it in himself to be tough, even in the face of injury and pain.
Parents play a crucial role in helping their kids form the stories they tell themselves about who they are.
Our kids don’t make up their stories all by themselves. Peer, school, and popular culture play a part, but parents play the biggest role. Parents have incredible power in this process because of the influential position they hold in their kid’s lives. What they celebrate and what they ignore, what they prioritize and what they forget, how they react to what their kids say and do - these all have a profound effect on how kids see themselves, and the stories they tell themselves about who they are.
Epilogue: We were at a family event recently and saw Dylan. He had a bandage on his knee. We asked him what happened, and he said that he’d skinned his knee. He pulled the bandage back and showed us the wound. There was a 1-inch circle of skin missing, exposing the raw flesh underneath. He proudly told us “I didn’t cry because I’m tough.”
Questions:
Does your kid think of themselves as tough?
If not, how do they think of themselves?
What experiences have they had that make them see themselves this way?
Are there things you’ve said or done that have reinforced their identity of “tough” or “not tough”?
Home challenge:
Start this new habit: Notice things your kid does that qualify as tough and praise them for it. It doesn’t have to be something big like not crying after a dog bite. Small actions count too, like sticking with a task, going for a run, or doing anything they don’t really want to do. Be sincere and specific, but don’t overdo it. Kids are experts at sniffing out insincerity and exaggeration 😧
“Our” Hummingbird
As spring arrived this year, we noticed a hummingbird that would come and hover outside our kitchen window. Day after day she would stare in at us. At first we thought she was curious and just looking around. However, we finally decided that she was looking for something to eat. Wherever she had lived before, she had come to associate windows with food. So we bought a feeder and put it up. We have mixed feelings about feeding her sugar water, but there are also lots of flowers in our garden that she feeds at. We take great delight in watching her as she drinks from the feeder or zooms around the yard.
