Parenting Matters #60
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Something’s going around, and we’ve had it for two weeks now. We tested negative for COVID, so it’s not that, but it’s done a number on us, that’s for sure! We’re resting and being kind to ourselves, which includes not holding ourselves to our usual standard of producing a long, in-depth parenting article. Instead, we offer you this famous poem that will (hopefully) speak to your heart and soul. Please enjoy.
On Children
By Kahlil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran was a famous Lebanese-American poet. His prose-poem on children was first published in his book The Prophet 100 years ago in 1923.
Like all great poetry, this poem speaks to our hearts, and it speaks to each of us differently.
There are three lines that really stand out to us.
Here’s the first:
‘And though they are with you
yet they belong not to you.’
It sounds simple enough: Our kids don’t belong to us. But it can be so hard to remember sometimes. We love them. We care for them. We raise them. We support them. They’re ours. We should have the right to tell them what to do. What to believe. How to live their lives.
But we don’t. Our kids’ lives belong to them. We’re here to support them and help them achieve their potential, so they can live their best lives.
Here’s the second:
‘You may give them your love
but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.’
Apparently, kids haven’t changed much in that regard in the last 100 years - anybody who’s been around kids for even 5 minutes has noticed they have their own thoughts. They are their own people. They’re not us. They have free will, and agency, and they want more of that.
This, of course, can lead to conflict. As parents, we feel the need to teach them all the things. To make them like us, or better, and to avoid our mistakes. But really, what’s our role? ‘Teaching them all the things’ is only part of it. What else should we be doing?
As we see it, we have lots of roles: Leader. Role model. Facilitator of experiences that develop character, just to name a few. Definitely not ‘maker of mini-me’s’.
Here’s the third:
‘You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.’
What? Don’t make them like us? That goes against every parenting instinct we have. What could he mean?
Here’s some possibilities:
Don’t try to set their path. Instead, offer them experiences and opportunities and see where life takes them.
Help them become better than us. Try not to pass on our less-than-stellar habits and opinions.
Aspire to be the kind of person they’ll want to be like.
You will of course read this poem and come to your own conclusions about what he’s saying. You’ll have your own ideas about the answers to the questions he’s asking - and answering. That’s the beauty of poetry. It speaks to each of us differently.
So what do you think? And which lines speak to you?
Big opportunity for those who read all the way to the bottom: We’re looking for a few families with parenting challenges with their pre-teens, teens, or young adults. If that’s you, and you want a huge discount and you’ll give us a testimonial, email Catherine@3pillarsparent.com. Check out our coaching HERE.
Lucky Lizard
The roughly stacked rock wall surrounding the garden in the center of the driveway is the perfect habitat for brown anoles. There’s lots of lizard-sized nooks and crannies for them to hide in. But that’s not proof against the predators who want lizard for lunch! This lucky little fellow (he’s only about 5 inches long) is regrowing his tail after losing it to someone who wanted to eat all of him. Letting a predator have the tail is a survival trait that has helped these lizards survive for millions of years.