Our grandson tried to sneak a girl out of the house!

5 principles that minimize lying and sneaking

Oct 01, 2023

Parenting Matters #82

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

Dear Awesome Parent,

Does your kid lie and sneak around? Ours did, and it’s completely normal, given that we have the power to say no. It’s also completely normal to try and minimize the lying and sneaking. Here’s how we do it, with an example that happened just last week in our home. It’s real life, and no one is perfect.

“Honey, there’s a girl getting into that car in the driveway! They must have snuck out through the garage.”

All the sudden lots of little things that hadn’t added up now made perfect sense:

The strange car in the driveway our grandson told us he’d borrowed to drive home from work.
His lack of interest in having breakfast with us.
Not answering his phone when we could clearly hear him in his room.

His girlfriend had spent the night.

And he was trying to hide it from us.

The thing is, we don’t really have an issue with the fact that our grandson wants to have his girlfriend spend the night.

He’s 21, works full-time, supports himself, and has a life. It’s entirely normal that he’s dating - and sleeping - with someone.

For us, the real issue isn’t the fact that the girlfriend was here, it’s the sneaking and lying about it. Our grandson lives with us, along with a few other family members. We’re not renting rooms to strangers; we’re a family. And this is our family home. We want to know who’s in our house. Who’s coming over. We don’t need to see them every time they’re here. We don’t need to be friends. We’d simply like to be introduced so we know who this person is who’s spending time in our home.

It’s entirely normal for young people who are dating to want to spend time together - including sleeping together. And we’re not the sex police. Nor do we want to be. That’s not how we see our role in our grandson’s life at this point. The truth is, if they want to have sex, they’re going to. They have cars, jobs, and licenses. Our telling him “you can’t have your girlfriend over” won’t prevent them from having sex.

So what did we do? How did we handle this situation?

We called him - he didn’t answer.

So we texted that we’d seen him sneaking his girlfriend out and asked him to come talk to us when he got home.

Of course, when he came home he ran straight upstairs and when he came down he claimed he was late to work and had to leave RIGHT AWAY.

“No, no, no. Don’t go out that door. Come talk to us.”

He came into our office looking sheepish and said “I knew I was going to get in trouble! I told my girlfriend that I was going to get yelled at.”

“Well, yes you are going to get yelled at, but not about what you probably think.”

“We don’t actually mind your girlfriend spending the night sometimes - though we don’t want her living here. No, what we’re going to yell at you about is the lying and sneaking.”

“You’re 21 years old. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re an adult. If you’re going to do something, own it. Be confident of your decisions and proud of what you want in your life. What do you think your girlfriend is going to respect more? You trying to hide her like you’re embarrassed of her, or you introducing her to us proudly?”

“Here’s the deal. We want to know who’s spending time in our house. So, you can have her over. BUT we need to meet her first. We’re not going to interrogate her, we just want you to introduce her to us.”

And that was it. Yelling over - not that there’d been any actual yelling.

At some point, without thinking about it we’d even used the phrase “You’re not a little kid anymore”, which of course led to a conversation about why kids lie and sneak and how to minimize it.

Why do people lie and sneak? To avoid the negative repercussions of something they’ve done.

If your kids are little, here’s an incomplete list of what you have to look forward to: 🤣

Sneaking out
Lying about breaking and losing your stuff
Sneaking a phone into the bedroom after bedtime
Lying about having or completing homework
Lying about where they’re going, who they’re going with, and what they’re doing
Drinking, drugs, and sex

And if they’re big, you can just nod your head in agreement and compassion for all the parents out there who’ve already experienced these: 😂

The root cause of lying and sneaking is the natural imbalance of power between parents and kids.

Parents have more power than kids. They make the rules for what’s allowed and what’s not. If your kid wants to do something that’s “against the rules”, what are their choices?

They can obey the rules, not do the thing, and feel powerless.
They can ask to be allowed to do the thing - and probably get told “No”, and still feel bad.
They can do the thing openly and deal with the (probably unpleasant) consequences.
They can do the thing sneakily, lie about it, and hope they don’t get caught.

Option 4, sneak and lie, often seems like the most attractive option. They get to do the thing they want, and as long as they don’t get caught, they don’t face any consequences from their parents for doing it. Win-win.

And the better they are at sneaking and lying, the less chance there is of getting caught. That’s a a big incentive for being really good at sneaking and lying. And that’s a problem because once the “sneaky” mindset gets established: (i.e. I have to be sneaky to get what I want) it’s hard to break out of and it carries on into adulthood. There it can wreck havoc on a person’s life - and on the lives of those around them.

So if you want to aim for more truth-telling, and less lies and lies-by-omission, what do you do? How do you get more of the behavior you want, and less of what you don’t want?

Here’s how to get less sneaking around the rules, and more feelings of warmth, love, and understanding:

Prioritize your relationship - When you have a good relationship with your kids they are much more likely to go along with with your rules. Beyond that, they’re also much more likely to talk to you about what’s important to them - so be sure to listen, show empathy, and look for ways to compromise.
Build a culture of honesty and respect - You’re your kids’ primary role model for how to act. When you’re honest and respectful with them, you’re more likely to get honesty and respect back. Note: They won’t be perfect, but if you’re consistent they’ll get better.
Give agency - As much as possible involve your kids in the decisions that affect their lives. Because like everyone, they want to be in charge of their own lives. If you completely prescribe what they can and can’t do, they may feel there’s no choice but to sneak and lie to do the things they want.
Keep your cool and don’t overreact - Nothing incentivizes sneaking and lying more than you losing it when they break the rules or misbehave. Your kids are more likely to tell the truth when they know you have self-control and don’t freak out easily. Related: Don’t punish them when they do tell the truth.
Ongoing dialog. Have an ongoing dialog with your kids about your family’s core values. Don’t preach though, they’ll just tune you out. Use examples from your life and media to start conversations, and listen to what they have to say. The more engaged they are in the conversation, the more chance there is you’re reaching their hearts and minds.

As a parent, you’ll be dealing with sneaking and lying for a looooong time. Remember your own childhood? 😉There’s just too much upside for them to not resort to it sometimes. Use these strategies to minimize the behaviors that divide your family, and maximize the good times.

You’re probably wondering…what happened with our grandson and his girlfriend? How did it all turn out? A few days later he brought her over and introduced her. We chatted for a couple of minutes and then they went off to watch a movie in his room. It was completely fine and normal. No big deal. Since then she’s been over a few times - all with no drama.

But what were the rules for our kids? Remember this is an adult grandson we’ve been talking about. How did we handle opposite sex visitors with our kids?

When they were in high school, there was a strict “no members of the opposite sex in your room” policy. After high school they all moved out, so we never had to decide if our young adults could have other adults over to spend the night. Whew!

Questions for thought and discussion with your parenting partner:

What are your rules for friends of the opposite sex in the house? (Even if your kids are little, it’s not too soon to start thinking about this.)
What steps can you take today to make your kids less likely to lie?

Lucky Lizard, Unlucky Cricket

A bit of motion in of the corner of my eye caught my attention. When I turned to look I saw this blue tailed skink climbing the wall with its prize. A few seconds later it had disappeared into the eaves to enjoy it’s dinner in private.