Sports: Should you make your kid play?

Who chooses your kid’s extracurricular activities - you, or your kid?

Parenting Matters #88

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

Dear Awesome Parents,

Well it’s November, and in our family that means we’ve officially transitioned out of fall sports (soccer and football) into winter sports season (swimming and wrestling). Our grandkids choose to play, but we’ve met lots of parents who make that choice for their kids. If you’re undecided about whether or not to make your kid play a sport, this issue is for you.

Ah, youth sports. Did you play? If so, do you have fond memories, or do you look back on it with indifference, or maybe even horror?

Three of our grandkids have joined the local YMCA swim team and last weekend was the first meet of the season. Of course we went, and boy was it exciting! It was truly impressive how good the young swimmers were. None of our grandkids won their races - in fact they all finished last. But that’s ok! They’ve only been practicing a short time, they completed their races, and they had fun.

While we watched, we talked to another parent whose 11 year old daughter was also swimming in her first meet. She finished last in her races too. Even from the stands we could tell how unhappy she was. Her body language made it clear that she didn’t want to be there. And losing made everything even worse.

As we commiserated over our kids losing, he confided that his daughter hadn’t wanted to be on the swim team at all. In fact, the only reason she was there was because he’d made her join the team. He told us “She didn’t have a choice, I told her she’s doing this, and that’s the end of it.” He explained that his daughter’s priority these days seemed to be spending as much time as possible on her phone watching TikTok and YouTube, or playing games. She was out of shape and gaining weight. He was concerned about her health and her lack of time spent with friends in real life.

He told us that, unlike her two siblings, she’d never had much interest in physical activity. She’d played some soccer in elementary school, but hadn’t liked it and he let her quit. The only activity she’d consistently shown any interest in was going to swimming pool. He felt she would’ve been unhappy with any sport he chose but at least the swim team lined up with something she enjoyed.

Forcing your kid to do something can put a strain on the relationship, so we asked him if he was concerned that making her join the swim team would damage their relationship. He said she was definitely upset with him, but thought she’d get over it. He said he hoped she would even come to enjoy being on the team, but her lack of activity and excessive time on the phone were things he had to address.

How will all of this turn out for the daughter and her father? Only time will tell. It could go either way. We know a mom whose mother made her take piano lessons as a child and and she hated it. She was bitterly opposed and upset with her mother for forcing to do it. But as an adult she looks at things differently. Music is an important part of her life and she’s grateful that her mother required her to learn piano. She now shares her enjoyment of music with her own kids.

On the other hand, we’re friends with a man whose father made him to play basketball. He wasn’t athletic, had no interest in basketball, and found the whole experience humiliating. To this day he hates basketball, and still resents his father for forcing him play.

It’s a delicate balance parents have to strike: How much do you “make your kid do the thing” vs. how much do you let them decide? Obviously there’s no “one right answer” for everyone, but there are ways to think about this that make it easier to navigate.

Obviously there are lots of factors to think about when deciding whether or not to make your kids do something they don’t want to do - here’s a short list of the main ones we’ve heard parents mention:

• Their values

• Their goals for their kids

• Their relationship with their kid

• Their kid’s age and maturity

• What their kid wants

Despite there being no “one right answer” there is a method you can use that allows you to set the expectations you think are important, but also lets your kids have agency.

It is a variation on Angela Duckworth’s “hard thing” practice. If you’re not familiar with Dr. Duckworth, she’s a psychology researcher at the University of Pennsylvania who’s made a study of what separates high achievers from everyone else. The short answer? Grit, which she defines as a combination of passion and perseverance. And her method of developing grit in her own kids? Everyone in the family has to be engaged in the pursuit of a “hard thing”. The parents have their work but the kids get to choose their “hard thing”. If they don’t like what they’ve chosen, they can switch to something else, but only after they’ve finished out the term of commitment for what they originally chose. (Here’s a link to our more in-depth article on Angela Duckworth and Grit)

Here’s how to apply this practice to physical activity: You decide on the broad outlines of what constitutes enough physical activity for your kids, then let them choose how they meet those goals. You might set the requirement that they consistently engage in some form of physical activity most days of the week. It could be an organized competitive sport like soccer or swim team. Or a solo or family activity like jogging, biking, lifting at the gum, or using the treadmill. The point is, you set the expectation and they get to decide how they meet it. Win-Win.

Note: This approach works best when it applies to everyone in the family - including the parents. When it’s simply part of the family culture. “We all do something to move our bodies. That’s who we are.” This way you aren’t forcing your kids to do something you’re not doing yourself. They can’t say to themselves “Why should I have to exercise? Mom and dad don’t…”

The father we spoke to was worried about his daughter’s lack of activity and the amount of time she spent on the phone. His solution was to make an executive decision as her parent and sign her up for the swim team regardless of how she felt. And as a parent, there are times when that’s what you have to do. Sometimes you’ve tried everything else and a direct application of parental authority is all you have left. And that’s ok. However, that option should be used as infrequently as possible as it can damage your relationship with your kids. Remember - a good relationship with them is the key to your continued influence on their hearts and minds. So do yourself and your kid a favor - reserve “forcing them to do the thing against their will” for situations that are important and everything else has failed.

What would you have done if you were that dad, and that was your kid?

Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do?

---

Whenever you're ready, here’s how we can help you:

Are you a parent struggling with your kid's device use, or any other aspect of parenting tweens and teens? Book a free half-hour call HERE and we’ll give you actionable strategies you can put in place immediately to bring peace and harmony back to your family.

---

Butterfly Bush Flowers

Believe it or not, our Butterfly Bush is still flowering, much to the joy of our local pollinators!