The 3 pillars, applied to devices.
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #37
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
It’s almost Thanksgiving in the United States, so here’s a short list of what we’re grateful for: You, our readers! Our parents, still going strong in their 80’s, Our kids, who are working hard raising their kids, and platforms like Substack, that make it easy to share, teach and learn. Thank you all for being part of our journey!
Special Announcement:
We’re starting another newsletter! It’s dedicated to helping you connect, re-connect, and strengthen your connection with your adult children. It’s tentatively titled Connection, and it will be a mix of the practical and the philosophical, the art and the science - of connection. The first issue will come out this week - just in time for Thanksgiving, when you’re likely to spend time with your adult children. We’ll send you the first few issues, but after that you’ll need to subscribe if you want to keep getting it : )
The 3 pillars, applied to devices:
Last week we gave you our ten tips for minimizing the drama over devices… but where did those ideas even come from? How did we come up with them? Did we just pull them out of the air (or somewhere else😮)? LOL. No. Everything we talk about comes from using the 3 Pillars framework. We’re going to give you a behind the scenes look at how we applied it to devices to come up with our list. The great thing is, you can do the same thing for your family - about any topic.
1. Start with the End in Mind.
What’s the End in Mind? It’s your final goal for your kid, when they’re grown up and on their own. It’s usually something like “My kid will turn into a happy, healthy, successful adult.” If you don’t have an End in Mind already, feel free to use this one as a place to start.
So what’s the End in Mind when it comes to devices?
Self regulation. That applies to all things, of course, but this week, specifically, self regulation around devices.
Definition: Self Regulation means the individual regulates their own behavior. They don’t need someone else (like the parent) to do it for them.
Why is Self Regulation important when it comes to devices?
Because devices need to be in balance with everything else that’s part of a healthy, happy, successful life. There’s a time and place for everything and self regulation is what keeps device use in balance. (And it keeps you from being the device police).
For devices, the time and place is not always and everywhere. That’s out of balance and we call that addiction, or at the very least, lack of self control, and you don’t want that.
Life is full of interesting activities, opportunities, and interactions. Devices are just one of those things.
A separate but related End in Mind: You want a good relationship with your kids when they’re grown. How is that related to devices, and why are we talking about it right here? Because: Being the device police doesn’t do anything good for your relationship. Therefore: Spend as little time as possible being the device police. And when you are the device police, just don’t be a jerk.
2. Create the Culture in your home that supports your End in Mind.
The culture you create in your home is the water your kids swim in. They pick it up by osmosis simply by living with you. By being immersed in it. The culture does the heavy lifting for you. When your rules about devices are just extensions of your family culture, they’re less like rules and more like “This is the way it is in our family”. But that means the rules really do have to apply to everybody - or with few exceptions, and very clear reasons for those differences.
Caveat: Creating a strong culture isn’t a magic bullet. Just having one won’t fix everything. The kids still need to buy into it. And for that to happen, they need to feel a strong connection to the family - especially their parents. If that connection doesn’t exist, then it becomes a real crap shoot as to which pieces of the family culture they’ll adopt, which they’ll ignore, and which they’ll do the exact opposite of.
How does the culture support self regulation when it comes to device use? Here’s some personal examples:
In our house, we don’t use our devices at the dinner table. Why? Because we value connecting with the people at the dinner table. The ones we live with. The ones right in front of us.
We are an active family, we have lots of interests and do lots of things. We play sports, we exercise, we watch videos and movies as a family, we read books, we play games. Our devices are one of many things we spend time on.
We spend the majority of our free time in the public area of our house where we can interact with other people. We don’t isolate in our bedrooms during the day - the bedroom is for sleeping, not a place to hide/be alone on your device. Note: we all need privacy sometimes, and our kids are no exception. However, when it becomes the norm to isolate and not spend time with the family, that’s an indication a damaged connection at the very least, and perhaps something more serious.
3. Prioritize your relationship with your kid.
“Prioritize the relationship” is Pillar 3, but it’s really the foundation of the 3 Pillars framework. It’s the pillar that supports and makes the other two work. And it’s the part that’s most helpful to you with regards to your kids and devices.
A great relationship with your kids is your greatest parenting asset because it keeps them open to your leadership and influence. It’s what gets them to buy-in to the family culture.
When you have a great relationship, it’s much more likely they’ll go along with your family culture and rules - without lots of drama and conflict. This is true in all aspects of their lives, but especially devices because they can be such a source of contention.
Devices are incredibly compelling. App developers earn big bucks to make social media and games addictive. They’re designed to light up the reward centers in our brains. This is what makes devices so challenging for parents. Our kids really want to spend time on them. Telling them “no” or “put it down now” can generate lots of bad feelings because we’re thwarting their access to something so pleasurable. Regular conflict over devices can erode the relationship - and that’s what you’re trying to avoid.
So, what to do? Relationships are all about feelings. The general strategy for maintaining a good relationship is to have as many positive interactions as possible and to minimize the number and severity of the negative interactions. Here’s how we apply that to devices.
Ways to accentuate the positive:
Talk (and listen!) to them about devices. Have ongoing conversations about devices and ask for their input when you’re creating or modifying the device policy. For example: if they want more time on the device or access to a social media platform, give them the opportunity to convince you to do it their way.
Show enthusiasm about their interests on the device. Engage them in conversations about what they’re excited about. You’ll be surprised at how much they open up and tell you.
Find things you can do together on the device. Enjoy games, rabbit holes, or funny YouTube and TikTok videos.
Ways to minimize the negative:
Rule #1: Don’t be a jerk. When there’s conflict - and there will be ☹️ - don’t be an ass. You can be firm, hold to your beliefs, and even discipline them all without being a jerk. If you lose your cool and say or do something you regret (it happens!), then apologize. Do the work you need to do to repair the relationship.
Create clear and consistent device rules for the whole family, including the adults. That way, kids are simply expected to to do what’s normal for everyone else in the home. They’re not being singled out or treated unfairly. Make sure you follow your own rules. 😉
Empathize with their disappointment when you have to say “no” or “It’s time to find a good stopping place and put the phone down.”
There you have it. That’s how we use the 3 Pillars framework to create a family device strategy that minimizes drama and conflict. The devil’s in the details, of course. Putting it into practice is an ongoing challenge as your kids grow and change, but this (or the strategy you develop for you family) gives you a base to work from.
Home practice you can do right this minute:
Make a plan right now for what you’ll say to express empathy next time your kids are unhappy because device time is over. (Or anything else they complain about.) If you’re one of our readers who don’t have kids or device challenges, do this with the next person who complains to you about anything, and watch your relationship get better. Here’s a few possibilities to get you started:
I hear you.
Ooooh. That sounds hard.
Yikes. Tell me more about that.
Mmmm, that’s so disappointing.
Note: Empathizing isn’t the same as agreeing. Empathizing is letting the other person know that you get the feeling they’re expressing. It also doesn’t mean you have to take their upset as a call to action.
Corn Snake
I was headed off the lanai last evening when I caught sight of something out of the corner of my eye. It was long, skinny, and dark. I was two steps past it when my brain finally made sense of what I’d seen. A snake! I turned around and turned on my phone flashlight to see what kind it was - a beautiful young corn snake. Catherine picked it up and we brought it into the house for a couple of quick photos before releasing it near the compost pile towards the back of the property.
To support our work, “like” this post by tapping the heart icon, share it on social media, and/or forward it to a friend with kiddos. Every little bit helps more kids lead happy, healthy, successful lives.
Another excellent read, Catherine and Glenn. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. And thank you for all the work you put into helping us connect with our families today and into the future.