The Downward Spiral: What it is, How to prevent it, and How to fix it.
Three Pillars Parent Newsletter #29
By Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Happy Fall! We hope you’re enjoying the change of seasons. Change can bring out our grumpy side…so if your relationship with your kid is in a rough patch, this is for you : )
The Downward Spiral
The downward spiral. We’ve all been there. You’re in a bad mood and your kid does something that gets under your skin. You respond harshly and their feelings get hurt. Then they’re angry and don’t want to talk to you. You pick up on their anger and it further upsets you. Round and round and down and down it goes. Welcome to the downward spiral. Now you have a name for it.
Eventually you cool off, and try to repair the relationship. An apology, a kind gesture, or just glossing things over by resuming regular interaction. Normality returns.
That’s an example of a quick trip on the downward spiral. There’s usually no lasting damage if it only happens once in a while, and your repair is prompt and sincere. However, it gets dangerous when the downward spiral becomes the norm. That leads to a poor relationship. And those can last a lifetime.
Why are downward spirals so easy to get into and so hard to get out of? Blame it on Negativity Bias. That’s the fact that we’re far more attentive to negative interactions than positive ones. Or as psychologist Rick Hanson puts it:
“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences, and like Teflon for positive ones.”
This means it takes lots of positive interactions to counteract the effect of even a single negative interaction.
As a parent, negative interactions with your kid are inevitable. You’re the one who sets limits, enforces expectations, and tells them “No”. They get upset with you. It’s even more challenging as they get older and become more independent. They spend more time on their own and out of the house. You have less time with them, and in that time you have to cram in all the things you think are important. All too often that’s corrections, reminders of unfulfilled obligations, or something else they perceive as negative.
The result can be a chronic downward spiral. Your interactions are mostly negative, so they avoid you. You see less of them, and get frustrated. On the occasions that you do see them, you focus on problems and perceived shortcomings. They feel bad and want to be around you even less. Round and round and down and down.
How do we get out of a downward spiral?
And more importantly, how do we prevent downward spirals?
Relationships are all about feelings. How we feel about the other person and our interactions with them determine the state of our relationship. Because Negativity Bias says we pay so much more attention to negative interactions, getting out of or preventing downward spirals boils down to decreasing the number and severity of negative interaction while increasing the number of positive interactions. Easy to say, but it can hard to put into practice, especially if you’re already in a downward spiral.
Minimize the number and severity of negative interactions. Here’s how:
Choose your battles. You can only fight with your kids so much before they tune out and emotionally disengage. Make sure the issues you have conflict over are the important ones. Core values. Things that can have a big impact on their future or safety. Talk to your spouse or parenting partner and make sure you’re on the same page.
Choose when, where, and how often you talk about contentious subjects. We get it, sometimes behaviors need to be addressed on the spot. However, if possible find a time when you’re both well fed (not hangry) and don’t have other pressing things to do. Have difficult conversations in a neutral space. Not a sanctuary like their bedroom, or the dinner table. If you find yourself harping on the same issue over and over, they’ve tuned you out and you need a new approach.
Aim for conversations, not confrontations. Sometimes you need to pull the parent card and say “This is the way it’s going to be.” But the more you can have conversations where you listen and try to figure out what’s really going on with your kid, the better off you’ll be. Use your non-judgmental tone of voice, not your blaming and shaming tone. Your body language speaks for you, so check your posture. Side-side generally works much better than face to face, especially if you’re doing something physical together like walking.
Choose your mindset. You’re the leader of your family. When you speak from that position, what you say and how you say it is significantly different than what you say if you’re coming from a position of anger, martyrdom, or victimhood.
Maximize your positive interactions.
Here’s 10 things you can do today:
Do small things often. They beat occasional grandiose overtures or gestures. Make lots of regular deposits to the relationship bank account.
Talk about what they want to talk about. And be a good listener.
Send them fun videos/gifs/music they’re interested in.
Watch videos or movies they like when you have free time together.
Discover your kid’s love language.
Play games they like on game night.
Listen with empathy when they complain. Don’t try to fix everything.
Listen to music they like when you’re in the car together - and talk about it with curiosity and an open mind.
Ask their opinion on controversial topics you know they’re interested in.
Have more fun - but also - be more fun to be with.
Action Step:
Make a commitment to have at least one more positive interactions with your kid every day. Start small - just one extra positive act per day. Talk to your spouse and make a plan. How will you hold each other accountable? What is the smallest step you can take? Why small and why daily? Because small is doable. Our brains don’t rebel against small. And why daily? Because you’re training your brain to make this action into a habit.
Bottom line: As much as possible, try to be a cheerful, interested, and supportive presence in their lives. Not someone they dread being around and try to avoid. Sure, it’s our job as parents to have expectations and set boundaries - and to help our kids hold to them - but being the enforcer all the time can wreck the relationship. Happy kids who have good relationships with their parents are more likely to listen to their parents.
Maintaining a positive influence on their thoughts, attitudes, decisions, and actions is far more powerful than trying to be in control of their lives.
The Blue Streak
“Come outside and look at the sky, there’s this cool blue streak!” Those words from Catherine were all it took for me to drop what I was doing, grab my phone and head out the door. This is what she was talking about. It looked like a blue searchlight shining across the sky. In reality I believe it to be a shadow cast by a cloud down on the horizon. The surrounding sky is lighter because there is more light being scattered to our eyes from where the sun is still shining through the air.