The gift your kid really wants
The gift your kid really wants
Hint: It's not a new phone
Parenting Matters #92
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Ah, the eternal question every parent asks this time of year: What do I get the kids for Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza)? We’re sure your kids have LOTS of suggestions. Toys. A phone. A gaming system. Clothes. Or everyone’s favorite: CASH.
But deep down what do they want more than anything? More than all the gifts? They want your attention. Not just any attention though… they want quality time with you. They want meaningful connection. They probably can’t articulate it and might not even be conscious of it, but that’s what your kid really wants. It’s what makes a happy kid.
And at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? For our kids to be happy?
But happiness is tricky. It often gets confused with pleasure.
Let’s face it: figuring out what makes us happy can be tough. But we’re really good at knowing what gives us pleasure. Something yummy like ice cream. Binge watching a favorite show. Getting a new toy. Or the latest phone. We’re wired at a very basic level to be pleasure seeking.
And that goes double for our kids with their immature brains and lesser experience. Add in a gift-giving holiday and it’s pleasure-seeking on steroids. They’re focused on all the stuff they’re hoping you’ll get them. That they think will make them happy.
And it will make them happy.
In the moment.
But it’s not a deep happiness.
Kids can’t tell the difference between fleeting pleasure and true happiness.
Don’t be fooled.
They want happiness, they just don’t know what will bring it. But we parents know. Meaningful connection brings true happiness. (It also brings about better behavior, so there’s your 2 for the price of one.) 😁
Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying don’t give your kids presents. Not at all! We love to see our kids’ and grandkids’ excitement and joy when they open their gifts. And we’re sure you do too.
No, what we’re advocating is for you to make a commitment to yourself to give your kids the things that will truly make their hearts sing this holiday season…your time and attention. It’s what they really want in their heart of hearts. Time together where you give them all of your attention. Where they get to choose the activity. Where you’re not distracted by something else or trying to teach them a lesson.
And since it’s gift giving season, here’s some suggestions of gifts that you can enjoy together, with the kids in your life - big or little.
Games and puzzles
Arts and crafts projects
Multi-player video games you can play side-by-side.
Books you can read together
Sports equipment
Lessons to learn something together. Glenn and his mother learned to facet gemstones when he was a teen.
A special fun activity you can do together: A ski trip, A fancy restaurant. A trip somewhere they’ve been wanting to go.
What’s your go-to method of connecting with your kids? Let us know in the comments!
Whenever you're ready, here’s how we can help you:
Are you a parent struggling with your kid's device use, or any other aspect of parenting tweens and teens? Book a free half-hour call HERE and we’ll give you actionable strategies you can put in place immediately to bring peace and harmony back to your family.
Hiding Out
It’s the holiday season, and at our house that means visitors and lots of commotion. Ginger, who’s 16, isn’t a big fan and can’t wait till the drama’s over. Here she is hiding in the bedroom while we’re making cookies with the grandkids.
