The Magic 5 to 1 Relationship Ratio and Self Care Part 4: You Need Friends and Community
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #47
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
We’re in Florida, enjoying some time with Catherine’s parents. We feel lucky, because not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. Speaking of relationships, this seems like a good time to re-post our very first article….. because good relationships are the foundation of great parenting and good relationships don’t just happen, there are actual skills involved. Also, because our new subscribers haven’t read it - and if you’ve read it before, it’s a good reminder. 😃
The Magic 5 to 1 relationship ratio.
John and Julie Gottman are a husband and wife team of researcher/psychologists who have spent decades figuring out what it takes to create a thriving romantic relationship. (Spoiler alert: the same principles apply to parents and kids, that’s why we’re so interested.) We recently listened to Dan Harris interview them on his (excellent) Ten Percent Happier podcast. Here’s the link.
One of their key findings is the magic 5:1 relationship ratio. Their research shows that couples need to have at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction in order for their relationship to flourish and not end in divorce. This is due to “negativity bias”, a fancy phrase meaning we pay much more attention to negative events than positive ones.
While the Gottmans’ research focuses primarily on the relationship between romantic partners, the same general principles apply to parent-child relationships.
We know this: when there aren't enough positive interactions to balance out the negative interactions, the relationship between parents and their children deteriorate. In couples this leads to divorce, and in the parent/child relationship it leads to disconnection and dysfunction, which is the opposite of what we all want: happy, healthy, thriving kids.
Let’s face it, conflict with your kids is inevitable, especially with setting limits and saying “No”. There are just so many opportunities for negative interactions! The trick, of course, is to minimize the number and severity of the negative interactions, while at the same time having lots and lots of positive ones.
Here’s the important part: it takes at least 5 positive interactions to counterbalance each negative interaction. So, decreasing the number of negative interactions really gives you the biggest bang for your buck. That’s tough though, because kids keep testing the limits! One of the Gottman’s recommendations for achieving the 5:1 ratio is what they call a “small things often” approach to positive interactions. This means you’re always making lots of small positive deposits to their emotional bank account.
To continue with the banking analogy: you need to make all of these small deposits regularly to build up the account, so that when you do make the inevitable withdraw (negative interaction), your bank account doesn’t go into the red. And neither does your relationship!
Want to start making small deposits today?
Here are some easy ways to have more positive interactions today:
Be friendly - smile and greet them by name when you see them.
Be curious - ask questions about their favorite sport, influencer or hobby, and be interested in the answer.
Be appreciative - write a note recognizing something specific about them or something they’ve done and leave it where they’ll find it.
Reminisce about a good time you had together.
Send a cheerful text or gif.
Invite them to play a favorite game with you.
Tell a joke or make a funny face.
Here’s how to have fewer negative interactions:
Show empathy.
Pick your battles.
Don’t micromanage.
Avoid blame and shame.
Listen without interrupting.
Use your non-judgmental voice.
Don’t lose your cool - take a break when you need one.
Denounce the behavior, not the person or their character
Self Care, Part 4
You Need Friends and Community
You were young once. You had friends. You swore you’d be friends forever. You may have even cut your thumbs and used the blood to write an oath of friendship ‘til death do you part. Too gory? Sorry. Anyway, here you are, many decades later, and the only people you see are your family and colleagues at work. How do we know this happened (or something similar, but maybe without blood)? Because it happened to us, and we know we’re not unique.
As parents, our families are the most important things in our lives. But it’s easy to get tunnel vision. There’s always an endless list of things that need to be done just to make life work. And that’s not even counting the attention our kids need to thrive. It’s all too easy to let friends and social activities go by the wayside. To let them get squeezed off the bottom of the list by all of the other more “important” things that need to be done. We think there will be time on the weekend, or when the kids are older, or school starts back up, or, or, or....
Parenting can be isolating, but we humans are social by nature, and don’t do well in isolation. We’re pack animals. To thrive - and be the best parent possible - we have a built-in need to be connected to other people. Of course, we’re connected to our families, but connection to people outside of our families is also critical for our well being.
Everyone’s need for community is different. Maybe that means a small number of close friends, a team we belong to, fellow enthusiasts of a hobby, people we volunteer with, or a group we meet with on Zoom. These connections give us a sense of belonging, expose us to new thoughts and ideas, and perhaps most importantly, keep us from feeling alone. (Remember, alone is the opposite of belonging, and belonging is just as critical for our survival now as it was long ago when we lived in small bands of extended family.)
Food for Thought:
Past: We’ve all been part of many communities over the course of our lives.
Are there groups that have served you well, but don’t interest you anymore? They may have changed, or perhaps you’ve outgrown them.
Were you a part of any community or group of friends in the past that you now miss and would like to reconnect with?
Present: Identify the communities you currently belong to.
Which ones are most important to you, and why?
How strong is that feeling of connection?
Has that changed over time, or do you anticipate it might change in the future?
Are you part of any communities that fill more than one need or area of self care?
Future: What communities or groups would you like to be part of in the future?
Do you have an interest, question or idea you’d like to explore with others?
Are there opportunities to pursue this in your area or online?
If not, perhaps you’d like to build a new community around your interest.
Home Practice:
If being in community is good medicine for your body, mind and soul, it would be good to know how much you need, and how often. Wait - don’t spend time trying to figure that out. Just assume you need more than you’re getting and make a plan to get more today. And every day : )
Consider doing this little experiment: Increase your daily dose of friends and community this week, observe what happens, and let us know in the comments. Note - this might not happen easily on it’s own - you might have to work to fit it into your schedule and make it happen. We can’t wait to hear about it!
Golden Light at Dawn
It was an overcast morning. There was a bit of color to the east as the sun came up, but not much. Looking to the west however, the rays of the sun were finding a way through to light up the trees across the road. It didn’t last long though, a couple of minutes later and the light had disappeared and it was just another cloudy morning.