The Most Under-Rated Connection Tactic: Meet Them Where They Are. Connection, Part 3
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #41
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Your kid is a delight to talk to, happily sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. If that’s not true, this is for you. Today we’re going to talk about the easiest, most obvious, and most overlooked connection tactic of all: Meet them where they are. This is part 3 of our series on Connection.
Two weeks ago we presented the foundation of creating a great connection with your kid: Stop, Start, and Be. Did you miss it? Here's the link.
Last week, Connection, Part 2 was all about recognizing and grabbing opportunities for connection as well as creating opportunities for connection. Want to review it? Here's the link.
Meet them where they are.
“How’s it going, Justin?”
“Ok” (with a shrug while looking at his phone)
“How’s school? Learning anything interesting?”
“No” (another shrug and still no eye contact)
“What are you up to today?”
“Nothing.”
Does this sound familiar?
This opportunity to connect with a grandson I don’t see very often was going sour. I had to fix it fast before I completely lost my chance.
“How’s your deadlifting going? What’s your max these days?
This question got an entirely different response. It was like I was talking to the boy I remember from 5 yeas ago. Enthusiastic, cheerful, and engaged.
“I finally got 405! Do you want to see the video?”
Of course I said “Yes!” and the conversation was off and running.
My grandson discovered weightlifting last year and has become obsessed with powerlifting. Especially deadlifting. (If you don’t know, powerlifting is a sport where competitors have 3 chances in each of 3 different lifts to total the most weight. The lifts are squat, deadlift and bench press).
Justin is like most of us: He likes to talk about the things he’s interested in. Things that are meaningful to him. He has nothing to add to a boring conversation.
Why did I even ask about deadlifting? Because that’s what he’s passionate about. It’s his favorite thing to think about, talk about, and plan for. It’s what’s meaningful to him right now. Also, because I follow this rule:
“Meet them where they are.”
Lifting. That’s where he is. It’s what he spends most of his time thinking about. It’s what he spends most of his spare time doing. So it wasn’t exactly rocket science to figure out how to connect with him. A better question might be, “Why did it take me so long to think of that?”
Meet them where they are doesn’t always mean connecting over what they’re interested in. It can also mean aligning your energy with theirs. Or your mood. There’s lots of ways to meet them where they are. We’ll explore them another day. In the meantime….
Your assignment:
What’s your kid interested in? Use that as your in. Ask questions about it. Research it. Talk about it. Develop a genuine interest in it and watch your conversations, and your connection, get better.
Note: Just because you’ve decided now’s a good time to connect/interact, doesn’t mean it’s a good time for them. Is your kid tired/hungry/over-stimulated after a day at school? Upset about an interaction with a friend or teacher? If so, it’s probably not a good time to try to force a connection. Try again later.
Autumn Glory
The golden light of the setting sun lights up the fall foliage of our backyard trees.
I use this strategy with my kids too and it works!