Top 2 tactics wise parents use to connect with their busy teens
Part 2 of 3
3 Pillars Parent Newsletter #40
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
December has always been a crazy month at our house - first with 5 kids, and now with a lot of grandkids. With so much to do, it can be hard to know what to prioritize… Presents? Cookies? Sleep? Those are all great contenders, but here’s the winner: Connection. Always prioritize connection. You’ll never regret it. Connection is like compound interest - a little bit every day leads to a whole lot over time.
Wise parents use these 2 tactics to connect with their busy teens
Last week we talked about the foundation of creating a great connection with your kid: Stop, Start, and Be.
Stop doing the things that weaken connection.
Start doing the things that strengthen connection.
Be the kind of person they want to connect with.
Did you miss it? Here's the link.
Stop, Start, and Be creates the bedrock that a great connection with your kid is built on. This week we dive deeper into how to consistently have more good interactions with your kid. How to build your connection in a world full of distractions.
Creating a great connection can be tough in today’s fast-paced digital world that our kids are growing up in. Particularly during the teen years. To put it simply:
You’ve got competition. Your kid spends more time with their friends and their devices than they spend with you. How do you connect with them, when there’s so many other compelling people and activities pulling their attention away from you?
Luckily, you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. There are time-tested methods of maintaining and increasing your connection. A big part of it is your mindset:
A good connection with your kid has to be a top priority. You can only have a few top priorities as a parent and growing your connection with your kid has to be one of them. It is the thing that will see you through the tough times and allow you to continue to have an influence on them when they’re older.
Beyond mindset, there are a couple of tactics you can employ to keep your connection strong.
Tactic #1: Recognize and grab the opportunities for connection when they come your way.
If you only remember one thing from this newsletter today, remember this:
Anything your kid says is an opportunity to connect.
Are they telling you something bad that happened to them? Empathize.
Are they complaining? Acknowledge how they feel.
Do they want your attention? Give it to them, or tell them when you will, and follow through.
Do they want something? Acknowledge that thing they want would be great to have and put it on your list of possible Christmas or birthday gifts.
Are they talking about something they’re interested in? Be curious and ask open ended questions.
Do they want to do something with you? Do it. That’s what we did last week:
Our son: “Have you seen Morbius yet?”
“No, what’s that?”
"It’s a Marvel movie that came out a while ago. It’s kind of a vampire movie. Do you want to watch it?”
“Sure”
We were busy and we’re not really into horror or vampire movies, but we said “Yes!” without hesitation because it was an opportunity to connect with our adult son. Not only that, he had initiated it.
Our default is to try to say “Yes” when he wants to do something because he has a full and busy life.
Grab opportunities when they come along.
Watching movies together is something he really enjoys and it’s one of his favorite ways to connect. We got some snacks, settled down in the family room, and watched the movie. It wasn’t a great movie, but that wasn’t the point. We had fun watching and talking about it. It was a shared positive experience. A deposit in our relationship bank account.
Tactic #2: Create opportunities for connection.
Anything your kid is interested in is an opportunity to connect.
Do they love extreme winter sports? Soccer? Football? Find out who the top athletes are so you can ask intelligent questions and hold your own in a conversation.
Are they loving a series on Netflix? Watch it with them, or at least look up the main plot and characters so you can talk about it.
Who are their favorite bands or musicians? Know their names, most popular songs, and when they’re going on tour.
Who are their favorite artists on TikTok? Watch them together and talk about it later (without judgement).
What are their favorite activities? Find a way to do them together.
Do they love food? Plan, cook, and eat their favorite dishes together as often as possible. That’s what we did last week:
Our kids are grown now, and busy with their own lives. Jobs, kids, homes, and hobbies keep them on their toes. Getting to spend time with them can be difficult because their free time is in short supply. A question like: “Do you want to come over and visit?” Is usually met with some version of: “I’d love to, but …. How about another time?” So we have to sweeten the offer. Make it more enticing.
“Want to come over for dinner? We’re making Shrimp Alfredo.” (This son’s favorite meal)
“Sure! What time should I be there? Should I bring anything?”
We use this approach on our adult kids now, but we used it when they were teens too and it worked just as well : )
Questions/Home Practice:
Recognize and grab an opportunity: Think back over the last few days. What opportunities have you missed? Make a plan for what you’ll say or do next time you recognize an opportunity for connection.
Create an opportunity: What does your kid frequently talk about that you could ask open ended questions about? What’s especially meaningful to them right now in their lives? Plan an activity around one of their interests, even if it’s just watching a video or movie about it.
December Moonset
