Want your kid to succeed? Here's a meta-skill they need to master

Teach your kid to create systems and harness the power of positive emotions to consistently get what they want.

Parenting Matters #97

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

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Dear Awesome Parent,

Did you make a New Year’s resolutions this year?

Do these sound familiar?

• Lose weight

• Eat right

• Exercise

• Save money

• Spend more time with family

• Meditate

How’s it going?

We’re 2 weeks into January, and If you’re anything like us, your New Year’s resolution might already be losing steam.

Let’s face it, making change is hard work. There’s always so many other things that require our attention. We just slide back to the way we’ve always been doing things. It’s easier that way.

But that’s not to say we can’t make things happen, because obviously we can.

By the time we’re adults, most of us have pretty much figured out how to make the things that NEED to happen, happen.

We can get to work on time.

We can get our work done.

We have functioning households where the kids are fed, clean, and get to school on time. At least most of the time. 😅

But that’s different than sticking to a resolution.

Getting things done that are necessary generally has a consequence - usually bad - lurking in the background. If we can’t make it to work on time we might not get the promotion we want, or we might even get fired.

We typically make resolutions about things we WANT to happen, like losing weight, spending more time with family., or learning a musical instrument. Not about things that NEED to happen. Not about things where there are immediate and obvious negative consequences.

Making things happen, whether they are “necessary” or simply personal goals is an important life skill. In fact, it’s a critical meta-skill everyone needs to be happy, healthy, and successful.

Including our kids.

But it’s not something we’re simply born with. It doesn’t come naturally. Like all skills, it’s learned, developed over time, and gets better with practice.

We’ve all encountered people who’re clueless about making things happen in their life. They haven’t figured out how to make their goals a reality.

We don’t want our kids to end up that way.

So how do we help our kids learn to reach their goals?

• We set goals in our own life and make them happen.

• We talk to them about our process of setting and accomplishing goals - including our setbacks and struggles.

• We help them articulate and set their own goals.

• We support them as they work to make their goals a reality.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, yes and no.

As we know from how often most of us fail to stick with our New Year’s resolutions, good intentions and willpower alone are never enough.

And they’re not enough for our kids, either.

So what can you do to make your kids’ success more likely?

Teach them to create systems and harness the power of good feelings.

First things first though.

Find out their biggest desires and goals.

For example:

• There’s a special item they really want to buy.

• They want to make the middle school soccer team.

• They want to ride their bike without training wheels.

Now, help them create a system

A goal by itself doesn’t give them a path for how to get there. That’s where a system comes in.

A system is the set of concrete steps they can put into practice which helps them make progress towards their goal.

When you’re helping them create a system, be sure they include:

• A clearly defined realistic goal.

• A set of specific action steps they’ll take to reach their goal.

• A support team (probably you and your parenting partner, but it could also include siblings and friends) to encourage and help keep them on track.

• A way to track their progress.

• Ways to make the process enjoyable. For example, gamify it. Or celebrate small wins.

• Incentives: Both positive and negative incentives can light a fire under your kid and make them work harder to reach their goal without you having to do anything.

An example: a system to save money for a special purchase:

• Decide exactly how much money they need to save.

• Get a job. Even little kids can work for family, friends and  neighbors, doing small jobs like dog sitting, shoveling snow, raking leaves and running errands.

• Have a self-imposed rule that anytime they get money (job, gifts, allowance, etc.) they put a certain minimum percentage directly into the saving jar.

• Deposit their “special” savings into a dedicated bank or jar.

• Possible positive incentives: “If you deposit X amount per week, Mom and Dad will donate Y amount to the cause. If you do it by X date, Mom and Dad will pay for an upgrade/favorite meal out/extra thing they want.

Feeling Good - the missing piece of the system

We all like to think of ourselves as logical. That we make decisions based on reason. But the truth is, we all make our decisions primarily based on emotion. How we feel about something. And that includes sticking to a resolution.

Our kids are no different. In fact, it’s even more true for them. Therefore, a key aspect of creating a system that actually works is to incorporate ways to help them feel good about sticking with it.

The other side of the emotional coin is helping them learn to deal with the inevitable setbacks that come with trying to reach a goal.

So, back to our savings example. Here’s how to accentuate the positive emotions and minimize the negative:

• Have a picture of the item they want so they can keep it in mind. Help them imagine using it and how much they’ll enjoy it.

• Make the savings jar clear so they can see how much they’ve saved.

• Keep a record of what they deposit and add it up regularly so they can see their progress. You can also help them make a graphical representation of their progress towards their goal.

• Praise their dedication and self-control when they put money into the jar. “I’m really proud of you for sticking to your savings plan so you can buy the …. It can be really hard to save money.”

• Celebrate milestones. When they get to 25% or 50%, hold a mini-celebration with them

• Commiserate over setbacks but help them learn to see failures as opportunities to grow and get stronger

Some final rules of the road to give your kids the best chance of picking up this critical meta-skill:

• Keep yourself in the support role as much as possible. This varies depending on their age, maturity, and how much practice they’ve had at goal setting and following through. As a rule, your involvement should follow this pattern as they progress: you do it for them, they do it with you, they do it under your supervision, they do it for themselves.

• Don’t be afraid to let them fail. Support them but don’t save them. Learning to overcome failures is a huge part of learning to succeed.

• Give them some grace. After all, this is a skill most adults still struggle with. Your kids aren’t going to perfect this right out of the gate. Encouragement, positive reinforcement, and support are the way to go. Beating them up over setbacks and failures might make them give up entirely or keep their future dreams and goals a secret from you.

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Glenn and our new granddaughter

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