We adopted 5 teens.

Which parenting model did we use to get them to listen to us and grow up to be happy, healthy, successful adults you’d want to hang out with? Keep reading to find out.

The Art and Science of Parenting #55

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

Dear Awesome parent,

There’s a lot of information out there on different parenting styles. In this issue, we describe the two main ones, which one we chose for our family, and why.

(Spoiler: Research shows which one is more likely to raise healthy, happy kids and it just happens to be the one we used. We’ll dive into the research in the near future.)

---

We adopted 5 teens.

From Guatemala. Yes, really.

When people find that out, their first reaction is usually: “Oh my god that's amazing!” The second is often something like “I can’t imagine doing that! I can’t get my teen to do anything! How did you get 5 teens you didn’t know to listen to you?”

But this is really just the same question every parent faces: How do you get your kids to do anything? To listen to you. To buy into your expectations. To adopt your family culture. To do their homework. To do chores. To behave. It just seems more extreme because we jumped straight in with teens.

Before we jump into how we did it, let us give you a bit more context about where we started. There’s a lot to the story, as you can imagine, but with the 4 younger kids, we had no personal relationship with them before they moved in. We started virtually from scratch with them. We didn’t have the first 13 years of their lives bonding with them. There was no snuggle time. No first steps. No playing catch, or dolls, or reading bedtime stories. In short, no good memories to fall back on when times got tough. No ‘built-in’ authority from when they were little and completely dependent on us for their every need.

Their lives here with us were completely different from their lives in Guatemala. There, after their parents died, they were cared for by a network of older siblings and extended family. Moved from home to home depending on the availability of resources and supervision. They also had a great deal of freedom. They went to school (when they were in their home town), but it was very basic and expectations weren’t high. They had little supervision and the run of the town. They were allowed to drive as soon as their feet could reach the pedals and they could see over the steering wheel. They had cell phones. Disputes with other kids were often settled with fists.

When they moved in with us, their lives were very different: They went to school and were expected to put in a good faith effort. They had to be home for dinner. They had bedtimes. No cell phones until they were 16. No driving. In short, living with us meant a lot less freedom, a lot more oversight, and very different expectations.

You would expect there to have been resistance to our rules, and you’d be right. We’re not going to lie, there were some rough patches, but overall the transition was smooth and they generally accepted our oversight and direction. As for discipline, there really wasn’t a whole lot of that… not because we’re against it, but because we didn’t need it much. Behavior issues were generally addressed using an ‘empathy, curiosity, listen, connect, find a solution’ approach.

And that whole “don’t spare the rod” thing? Not that we ever considered it, but if we’d tried any sort of physical punishment? LOL. It would have ended up in a fist-fight. Or they would have left. Or both. You can’t adopt teenagers, beat them, and expect it to end well.

So what did we do?

We prioritized the relationship.

We focused on building connection, starting on day one. We listened to them. We let them know that what they thought and felt was important. We helped them move their lives forward in ways that were meaningful to them. Helped them through the multiple challenges of adjusting to a new language, new culture, new school, and a new family situation.

Perhaps most importantly, we helped them do what they wanted to do. Pursue their own interests. Experience things that were significant to them, like sports and travel and family events. We put them in situations where they would grow, gave them experiences that would challenge them, and opportunities to test their own limits. We did things together that would strengthen their sense of belonging. We prioritized fun and connection. When we did use discipline, it was generally in the original sense of the Latin word disciplina, which meant “instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge.” (Please notice the distinct lack of reference to time outs, spanking or punishing.)

Memorable moments:

• The time we all thought we were going to die on a white water rafting trip

• Camping in the mountains when they thought a bear was attacking their tent (it was just a deer)

• The Latino music festival where Catherine was the only middle aged white woman 😂.

So the answer was simple. We built a family, and mostly avoided the whole discipline problem by focusing on strengthening our relationship with them. Building a strong connection. And that strong connection gave us the influence we needed to work through our challenges together with less drama, less need for discipline (in the current use of the word), and more harmony in the home.

As a reminder, there are two main parenting styles you can choose from: the discipline/punishment model and the connection/relationship model. 

(For those of you out there saying “No, there’s 4! You forgot about permissive and neglectful,” we say yes and we’re ignoring those two styles on purpose. We’re not talking about them here because people with those styles won’t be interested in this publication.)

Anyway, back to the two main styles of parenting: discipline and relationship. You probably already know them by different names:

Authoritarian is the official name for the parenting style that puts a great deal of emphasis on obedience, respect, control, punishment, and discipline.

Authoritative is the name for the parenting style that emphasizes your relationship with your kid. Your connection. It’s also called gentle parenting, peaceful parenting, conscious parenting, and connection-based parenting. No matter what you call it, the emphasis is on communication, clear expectations, consistent boundaries, mutual respect, and looking beneath the behavior for the root causes and addressing them first. It’s about working with your kid to solve challenges.

Authoritarian and authoritative are very similar words and easily confused, so we don’t use them. Instead, we use the words discipline and relationship to differentiate between the two parenting styles, because they’re more descriptive and easier to remember.

The difference really boils down to this:

What’s your primary tool for getting the behavior you want?

• Is it telling them what to do and getting obedience because there’s the threat of punishment lurking in the background? That’s the discipline model.

• Or is it by asking them to do things and getting compliance because you’ve built a good relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and connection? That’s the relationship model.

The decision of which parenting model to use was easy for us because the discipline model never would have worked. They had other extended family they could’ve lived with if they’d been miserable with us (and a discipline approach would definitely have caused that!) They simply would have left. Our only real option, if we wanted to create a family, was to build a strong relationship.

It seems counter-intuitive, but when your kid is behaving in ways you don’t like, the answer isn’t to bear down harder with the corrections and punishments. Instead, redouble your efforts to connect and build your relationship. It’s the good will and understanding that go with a strong relationship that will let you work through whatever issues you’re having with your kid. And come out the other side still having a great relationship.

Did it work? Did we reach our goal of creating a family and raising happy, healthy, successful kids? We believe we did. Our kids are grown, with jobs and families of their own. They visit, call, and text often, not because they have to, but because they want to. We’re held together not by blood, but by love, trust, respect, and liking. At least that’s what we think, because they visit a lot.

But maybe it’s just for the food. 😂

Home Practice:

• Find a way to connect with your kid every day. It can be as small as greeting them with a smile and a cheerful greeting when you see them, or something bigger like watching a favorite movie together or eating a delicious meal.

Coming soon:

• The science that proves the authoritative parenting style has better outcomes than authoritarian parenting.

• How to plan a summer vacation that teaches your kid real life skills without being a jerk, feeling like a teacher, or wishing you’d just stayed home.

• How to talk to your kids about sex without laughing nervously, being embarrassed, or feeling like a dork.

The humble Water Lily is a symbol of unity. It’s a great photo for this edition of our newsletter because we worked so hard to create a sense of unity, belonging and togetherness as we built our family. This one was blooming near the pier on Crew’s Lake here on the west coast of Florida.

---