What to do when your little says "NO"
What to do when your little says "NO"
How to use Forecasting, Agency and Special Time to minimize the No’s and get better cooperation from your kid in just a few days.
Parenting Matters #67
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Summer is here! You get more time to snuggle with your kid. ❤️
And they get more opportunities to say NO to your thoughtful suggestions, exciting plans and efforts to simply get out the door on time. 🤣
Keep reading to find out what we recommend to families whose kids are stuck in the defiant stage or who just want to save time by having their kids be a little more cooperative. 🧠
FAST: A powerful framework you can use today to get more cooperation from your kids.
Remember being a little kid and having no power? Life just happened, and you were swept along with your family’s activities.
Want to play with your toys? Nope, you had to go shopping with Mom. And she had a lot of places to go.
Need a nap? Sorry. Your sister needed a ride somewhere, and the powers that be weren’t about to leave you home alone to snooze.
Need a snack? Not happening. Dinner was almost ready, so you had to wait. You had no power. It was so frustrating.
And now, your little has no power.
Wait, that’s not true. Your little has a superpower: The ability to say “No”.
“Sophie, we’re leaving soon. Go put on your shoes.”
“No!”
“Juan, put away your toys and come eat dinner.”
“No!”
“Dylon, put down the iPad. It’s time for bed”
“No!”
Sound familiar? We bet it does!
Once your little discovers “No”, they love to use it. They have POWER.
They can make things happen. Saying “No” makes you stop and pay attention to them. Even if it’s negative attention.
And the truth is you can’t take this power away from them.
But you can make them less likely to use it.
How?
Luckily, you also have a superpower.
You can use F.A.ST. (Forecasting, Agency, and Special Time) to make your kids more cooperative and likely to go along with family activities.
Forecasting
(It’s not just about the weather.)
Forecasting is the art and science of telling your kids what’s going to happen. This makes life more predictable for them. They know what to expect. There’s fewer surprises. That helps them feel calmer, safer, and more in control. When there are fewer surprises they’re less anxious and more confident. That way there’s less reason to freak out, refuse, or say “No”.
People don’t like surprises. Especially small, powerless people.
How you tell them, when you tell them, and how much you tell them is an art. Aim for this: get their attention when they’re not focused on something important to them, be brief but clear, and check for understanding and reaction.
Some examples of forecasting:
“After breakfast we’re going to brush our teeth, change out of our pajamas, pack lunch, and take you to Maria’s house. Make sure you pack your favorite toy.”
“After lunch we’ll go shopping. I have a lot of stops to make, and you might get bored. On the way home we’ll stop at the park but we won’t stay long.
“After dinner you can play on your iPad until 7 and then it’s time for a bath. After that we’ll read a book and then we’ll all go to bed.”
If there’s a poor reaction now, be prepared for resistance later and ask yourself these questions:
How likely am I to meet my kid’s need for connection and meaningful activity today?
Might I be time stressed and impatient with my kid today?
Is there anything I can do to make the day more child-friendly?
Is my child being unreasonable, or is my day only centered around what we adults want and need?
Does something need to change? If so, adjust accordingly.
Agency
If you’ve been reading our newsletters, you know we’re big fans of letting kids have agency in their lives. But how can agency help kids be more cooperative?
Here’s how:
When you give kids agency, you allow them to exercise a fundamental drive all humans have (even the the little ones): the drive for autonomy. To make decisions about things that are important to them. To have a say in their lives.
When you thwart this drive, that’s when they resort to the one choice you can’t take from them: the refusal to cooperate. To say “No”.
But agency doesn’t just let them exercise their drive for autonomy. Just as importantly, it demonstrates that you actually care about, trust, and respect them - things that make it much more likely they’ll cooperate when you ask them to do something. (It also prepares them for adult life where they’re in charge of their own life, but that’s another article 😃)
How do you give more agency?
Start small and see how it goes. Giving more agency doesn’t mean turning control of their lives over to them. Instead, give them options you’re ok with, and then let them choose. This is autonomy, but with training wheels. As they grow older and become more responsible, give them more control and let them make more decisions.
“Which shirt do you want to wear today? The blue one, the red one, or the yellow one?” can easily transition to “You’re old enough to pick your own outfit.”
“What do you want for breakfast? Cereal, eggs, or a bagel?” can be replaced with “What are you having for breakfast?”
“Which game do you want to play? Roblox or MarioCart? can transition to “Which game should we play next?”
“Which toy do you want to take to the park - Pokemon or Transformers?” can turn into “Which toy are you taking to the park?”
And for older kids:
“It’s your turn to make dinner for the family on Saturday. Do you want to make spaghetti, burgers, or baked chicken?”
“Should we clean up now, or when we get back?”
“What time should we leave so we get there on time?”
“Who do you want to invite?”
Remember: The more agency you build into your kid’s life, the more they feel you trust, respect, and actually care about them, not just about getting it all done. They feel more equal, have more status, and feel better about themselves. They’re easier to live with, more fun to be around, and more more likely to go along with what you ask them to do.
Special Time.
Special Time. Ah, that precious time when your kid gets you all to themselves. Wait. Doesn’t that happen a lot?
Yes, but with one major difference. During Special Time, you, the parent, the authority figure, have no agenda. That’s right. You’re not trying to get them do anything. Or teach them anything. Or assert your authority. Or do anything else you need to do. No, during Special Time, your kid decides what to do. And you go along with it, as enthusiastically as you can. (With three exceptions: nothing dangerous, no reading, and no screen time.)
Why does Special Time make kids more cooperative?
It clearly says to your kid ”I hear you and see you. You’re important to me and I value our time together.” This is one of the most potent things you can do to strengthen the connection with your kid.
Perhaps as importantly, it’s a reversal of the usual roles. During Special Time they’re in control and you’re following their lead. That’s heady stuff to a kid. It makes them feel extra important. It brings them up a notch in the hierarchy of who’s got power in the family. And when you give them power, even if it’s only for a little while, they don’t have to demand more by saying “No”.
Guidelines for special time:
Give it a name, like Emily’s Special Time.
Announce when special time is, so they can look forward to it, and count on it. Kids thrive on consistency, so the same time every day is optimal. Considerations: you have enough time, you don’t feel rushed, and your other kids have something to do.
Decide how long it’ll be, set a timer, and let the timer announce that special time is over so you can enjoy the time with your kid, not worry about the time and so the timer is the bad guy announcing it’s over, not you. (Most parents we’ve talked to find that 10-20 minutes a day works well for their family.)
Give yourself a cushion of time so you can smooth the transition back to regular life and not feel guilty for ending it abruptly. Be available for comfort if they’re sad that special time is over. Validate their feelings and reassure them you’ll do it again tomorrow/whenever it will happen again.
Set expectations for how often you do special time. Daily is ideal for best results, but start off slow so you don’t have to cancel.
What do you actually do during special time?
Mostly, whatever they want to do (as long as it’s safe). Remember, this is child-led time. You imitate them. You describe what they’re doing. You play the game they want to play, even if you can’t stand it. (For example, Catherine can’t stand playing Monster Trucks - jumping and crashing them over and over and over. But she does it anyway. For Glenn it’s playing dolls and makeup - because babies and beauty are a girl’s lot in life, right?🤦♂️).
Most importantly: Give them your undivided attention.
Pro tip: Turn off notifications on your phone. Or better yet, turn your phone off entirely. 😳
What don’t you do during Special Time?
You don’t tell them what to do. You don’t ask questions. You don’t read and you don’t use screens, because those take too much focus away from your connection with your kid.
F.A.S.T. Isn’t Just for Little Kids
So far we’ve been talking about using F.A.S.T. with littles, but it works with kids of any age. You might not think older kids need it because they tend to be more compliant. But they still want autonomy, they simply have other ways and opportunities to exercise control over their lives. It’s some of those “other ways” you really need to watch out for - they can be far more worrisome than your kid saying “No”. Agreeing and not following through, lying, and hiding their actions all fall into this category. It’s probably impossible to eliminate them entirely, but you want to try to minimize them as much as possible. F.A.S.T. is a great way to do that.
Home Practice:
Tell your parenting partner about FAST: Forecasting, Agency and Special Time. Make a commitment to try each one next week and tell us how it goes!
Pro tip: Special Time doesn’t just work for kids… try it on your spouse too. 😉
A Red Spotted Purple Admiral
I’d been seeing these beautiful black and blue butterflies for weeks, but every time I tried to get close for a picture they would fly away. I was finally able to get this shot because the Mulberries were ripe and this lady was so engrossed in eating that she completely ignored me. (I’m not sure what Mulberry variety this tree was, but they were delicious!)