When your kid says "I can't"
How to use the word "Yet" to bring possibility to "I can't"
Parenting Matters #78
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
If your kids are anything like ours, some of their favorite words are “I can’t!” And if you, like us, are looking for something new to say besides the tired, old “Yes you can”, scroll down to find out the magic word we use and how to use it to bring an air of possibility to all the things they think they can’t do.
But first, we have news!
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Tired of hearing “I can’t” from your kids?
Discover how adding the word “Yet” turns the impossible into the possible.
We love the word “Yet” because it implies possibility. We use Yet as a gentle reminder that the future may be different, especially with practice or perseverance. That there’s hope for the future. That the desired thing will come to pass. That what’s going on now is temporary. That the thing they can’t currently do…solve an algebra problem, do a push-up, ask someone to dance… they’ll be able to do it in the future, especially if they keep trying, or practicing the skill.
How to use the word Yet:
When your kid says “I can’t”, you respond with “Yet” or “I can’t yet” in your cheerful/friendly/non-judgmental tone of voice.
Remind them of a time in the past when they couldn’t do something that they can easily do now. Make your example brief and use your kind voice, not your “I told you so” voice.
Why you should use the word Yet:
Empathy: So they feel seen and heard, and know they’re not alone with their frustration.
Temporary: So they know this inability to do the thing is not forever. So they have hope for a future where they can do the thing.
Empowerment: To remind them that they have the power to change the situation. So they know that trying, perseverance, and practice are the way to achievement.
Here’s your action step:
Option 1: Write the word Yet on a post-it note and stick it on your mirror where you’ll see it often.
Option 2: Write the word Yet on a post-it note and stick it on your fridge where you, your spouse and your kids will see it. Commit, as a family, to looking for ways to speak that make room for possibility, for change, and for growth.
Bonus: “Not yet”
You’re probably already using “Not yet” when your kid asks for something or permission to do something that you’re not ready to give the OK to. They’re not old enough, or mature enough, or you’re just not comfortable with it. You know it will happen sometime, just not now.
Using “Not yet” allows them to feel seen and heard. They know that you understand what they want and how they feel, and that the answer will be “yes” the future: “Can I have a cell phone? Can I go to the R-rated movie? Can I stay at the party till midnight?”
“Not yet” can lead to an honest dialog about what conditions need to exist for the “not yet” to turn into “yes”.
The problem with “Not yet”: Sometimes you’re tempted to use it when the answer is really “No” and you just don’t want to deal with the drama of telling them “No”. When you do this, they'll focus on the implied future “Yes”, and when that “Yes” never materializes they’ll lose trust in you and what you tell them. Besides that, it’s neither kind nor honest, and if these are traits you want your kid to have, you have to role model them.
Three alternatives to “not yet”: (like when you’re busy or in public and don’t want to deal with a potential melt down) You can say something kind but true, like:
“I need more time to think about that.”
“Dad and I need to make that decision together.”
"I don’t know yet. Let’s talk about it again soon when I can give you my full attention.”
Then follow through and initiate the conversation. Don’t wait for them to bring it up again.
Tiger Swallowtail at the End of Summer
“Honey, come quick and bring your camera. There’s two butterflies on the butterfly bush!” I rushed out the door with my phone, eager to try to get some good shots. But honestly I wasn’t that optimistic. This summer, the butterflies have been very skittish and hard to photograph. When I try to get close enough for a good photo, they flitter away. And today was no different. As soon as I approached they both flew off. But I decided I’d stay put and see what happened. Before too long this Tiger Swallowtail came back and landed right in front of me. It’s the end of summer, and he/she is looking a bit beat up, but it’s still alive and looking for a mate!
Love this. Thanks!