Words Matter: "Just" get rid of the word Just, ok?

Strengthen your kid's self-worth by eliminating "Just" from your vocabulary.

Parenting Matters #76

By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins

Dear awesome parent,

OMG it’s August, the busiest month of the year! We’re enjoying these last couple of weeks of summer with the family, so please enjoy this article from last year on one of our least favorite words: “Just”. If you haven’t kicked it out of your vocabulary, it’s worth a re-read.

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School’s in full swing (or about to be) and if you haven’t said it already, you’ll probably say this soon:

Welcome to Part 1 of our series on words. Here we’ll discuss words and phrases we especially like, and don’t like, as they relate to parenting. Your kid will learn new words in school this year, so here’s a word for you parents to think about:

Just.

We’re not fans of the word “Just”. It implies that the thing we’re talking about should be as easy for our kids as it is for us. That they can do it as quickly and efficiently as we can. But that’s often simply not the case.

Our kids aren’t as quick and efficient as we are because they don’t have the many decades of experience we have. Their brains aren’t as well connected or developed as ours. For them, there is no “Just”. As usual, we think our kids are the ones with the problem, but we’re really the ones who misunderstand or don’t have the full picture of what’s going on.

Example #1: “Would you just…!” When we phrase it like this, there’s usually a lot of bottled up unstated negative emotion, and our kids hear that too. Our frustration, impatience, and aggravation can come through loud and clear. When you say “Would you just…!” you might be thinking you’re trying to get them to move a bit faster so you can do all the things, but they might be hearing “you’re slow, you’re a pain, and I’m angry with you.” They might feel ashamed.

Example #2: “Just find your shoes/just pack your lunch/just do your homework/just be nice to your brother.” If your kid doesn’t have the organizational skills, the EF skills, the EQ skills, or the grit they need to do those things, they might not be able to do it. Or they’ll do it poorly. Or slowly. At any rate, it won’t be easy. It’ll be kind of like work. There’s no “just” about it. It’s a thing that needs to be done, and it takes mental, emotional, or physical effort.

Example #3: “It’s just a different brand of toothpaste/just a little bit of hot sauce/just a spider/ant/slug.” When we say this, we minimize or even completely invalidate how they feel about the thing we’re talking about. We’re implying that their feelings are wrong. Too big. Too much. Too dramatic. That they’re being silly, babyish, or wimpy. That they shouldn’t feel this much about this thing.

Let’s normalize not telling our kids how they should feel, or how much they should feel. And while we’re at it, let’s normalize not shaming them for things they can’t do as well or as fast as we can.

(Note: When grown-ups do this to each other it’s called gas-lighting. We call it out and shame the person who did it.)

We love this comic by our friend Marijke van Veldhoven that perfectly illustrates our rant about the word "Just".

Subscribe to her weekly comics here: https://messageinadrawing.com/en/subscribe

So what happens when everyone realizes the thing that was supposed to be fast, easy and normal, wasn’t fast, easy or normal, at all?  They have feelings. And feelings matter.

Parents may feel disappointed. Irritated. Time stressed. They think their kid is over-reacting.

Their kid might feel judged. Shamed. Blamed. Inadequate. Misunderstood.

There’s bad feelings all around.

So just kick “just” out of your vocabulary, ok? (Irony intended 😁.)

I know. Easier said than done.  😂

Here’s your action steps:

Option 1: Write the word Just on a post-it note and stick it on your mirror where you’ll see it often and remember this article.

Option 2: Write the word Just on a post-it note and stick it on your fridge where you, your spouse and your kids will see it all day long. Commit as a family to notice when you say it, be aware of what’s going on under the surface, and minimize (or cut entirely) your use of the word Just in your home so your kids don’t feel shamed for the things they can’t do as fast or as well as you can.

For extra credit: Minimize the clutter on your fridge so you can actually see your post-it note.  Like we did.⬇️😂

Option 3: Recall a recent incident where you felt a strong negative reaction to something. Now imagine a friend, spouse, coworker, or boss said  to you “It’s just….!” Think about how this would make you feel.

When the desire to say “Just” is on the tip of your tongue, that’s a sign it’s time to dig deeper and see what else is going on with your kid.  Because: feelings. Also because: There’s always something else going on that you don’t know about.

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Got a favorite (or least favorite!) parenting word or phrase? Leave a comment and let us know why you love it or hate it.

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An August Sunrise

We have a great view to the west from our front yard and get to see lots of fantastic sunsets. The view to the east however is mostly obscured by trees so it’s a bit more work to see the sunrise. I had a feeling this one was going to be a good one, so I walked out to the road for a better view. Boy am I glad I did! 😃