How to pull the parent card without wrecking your relationship with your young adult kid, a recap of our Self-Care articles, and a Polyphemus Moth
The Art and Science of Parenting #49
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
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This week’s article is about pulling the parent card on your adult child. I did it recently and it was fine - but that’s not always the case. There’s always the risk of damaging your relationship with them. For those of you with littles, we suggest you read it anyway, because it applies to you too, and because your littles will be big before you know it. Reminder to self: write that article about pulling the parent card on the littles soon. 😁
I pulled the parent card on my adult son.
Here’s how I did it without damaging our relationship.
My adult son stepped on a nail. He mentioned it casually on a phone call, with the same lack of drama like he would tell me he was on his way to pick up the kids at school.
I tried not to freak out. Adult children don’t like it when you freak out. They try hard not to worry the parents unless there’s something real to worry about. If and when I freak out, there’s an implication of “You can’t handle your life, this is terrible, I have to fix it for you.” (None of which is true for my son, by the way.)
So, back to the nail. In my casual voice, I asked if it was old. Yes. Was it dirty? Yes. In my mind, I was shouting something like “OMG you stepped on an old rusty nail. You’re gonna die of lockjaw and your children will be orphans!”
Instead, I remind myself that I’m speaking to my adult son, who’s almost 30. Who hasn’t killed himself yet, despite not having my years of wisdom. How will I talk about this, and respect him as an adult? Is there a way I can gently lead him to the realization that he needs to see a doctor and get a tetanus shot, or is it time to pull the parent card? Oh yeah, it’s time for the parent card!
What’s the parent card? It’s when you make your kid (of any age) do something and the stated (or unstated) reason is “Because I’m the parent and you have to listen to me.”
So here’s how I did it:
I started with empathy and sympathy. “Ooooh noooo. That must have hurt.”
Then a few more questions, just to make sure I’m not over-reacting.
Me: Did it hurt?
Him: Yes.
Me: Did it break the skin?
Him: Yes.
Me: Did it go in very far?
Him: Yes.
Me: “You know how I try really hard not to tell you what to do?
Him: Yeah…
Me: I’m about to tell you what to do. Because this is serious. Are you ready?
Him: Yeah…
And so it went, with me telling him that he really had to go get a tetanus shot, like right now. That it wasn’t optional. That people die from this. The germs get in and they can’t get out because it’s a puncture wound and it’s dirty…
Postscript: There was no drama. My son went to the doctor and got a tetanus shot. He is alive and well. His children are not orphans. Crisis averted. And we’re still on good terms. 😉
Under what circumstances do you pull the parent card with adult kids?
Every parent will have their own criteria. We pull the parent card when:
There’s significant danger to life and limb. Tetanus is potentially lethal and my son had just told me he was possibly exposed to it.
You’re pretty sure they don’t know critical details or dire consequences that you do know about. In this case, I was pretty sure my son didn’t know the details of how one contracts tetanus, how dangerous it is, and how easy it is to prevent.
You aren’t willing to let them learn this particular lesson from their own experience…(so it’s the exact opposite of experiential learning, which we’re big fans of most of the time).
They’re doing something that is clearly having a significant detrimental effect on their life or the lives of those around them. Drug addiction, domestic abuse, alcoholism, etc.…
How often can you pull the parent card?
“Not very often. In fact, as infrequently as you can manage.”That’s the gold standard. You could also say “Almost never”, especially if your kid is over 18 or your relationship is already on shaky ground.
Why would we say “Not very often”? Because adults don’t like to be told what to do. Especially young adults, because their entire goal in life is something like “Prove to Mom/Dad/The World that I’ve got my sh*t together and am capable of running my life.”
Less is more. An important thing about the parent card is the less you use it, the better it works. I can’t even remember the last time I pulled the parent card on my son who stepped on the nail.
If you overuse the parent card, you might be able to get them to do what you want in the moment, but you’re probably not going to make a significant change in their future behavior. You’re not there all the time to tell them what to do, and when you’re not there, they’ll do what they want. And they’ll start to avoid you or tune you out.
It varies with age. The younger they are, the more you’ll use the parent card. The goal is still to use it as little as possible and phase it out as soon as possible. We have a whole article on this coming soon.
There are repercussions for pulling the parent card too often.
They don’t visit you.
They don’t answer calls or texts.
They don’t tell you about their lives.
They don’t want to do things with you.
They hide things from you or get sneaky.
They don’t talk about what matters to them.
They tell you what they think you want to hear.
Why are we going on and on about the parent card?
Negative repercussions: You don’t want to experience the consequences that come with overusing the parent card. (See above.)
There’s an implication of incompetence: Anytime you tell someone what to do, especially other adults, the underlying message is something like: ”You don’t know what you’re doing. You obviously need help. You need to be told what to do.” No one likes that.
It damages the relationship: Using the parent card is a brute-force application of parental authority. Too much of that damages your relationship - especially if they’re an adult. And once they’re an adult, your relationship is all you really have with them.
Regularly pulling the parent card is bad for the relationship with your adult child. Full Stop.
So… how do you pull the parent card with the least risk of damage to the relationship?
Start with empathy and acknowledge their feelings.
Ask open-ended questions to find out how they see the situation and listen to their answers without interrupting, judging, or jumping to conclusions.
Assess the situation and your need for involvement. Ask yourself if they can handle the situation and any consequences from how they do so.
If you think you need to step in, is there is a way you can lead them to a conclusion similar to yours?
If you must pull the parent card, find a way to make it non-confrontational and drama-free. Use your “matter-of-fact” voice, not your “bat-sh*t-crazy and out-of-control” voice. Make it about the action or event, not about anyone’s character.
A Final Note: Your ability to get your young adult to do anything is limited by how much influence you have…and that depends on the quality of your relationship. This is true for kids of all ages, but especially true once your kids are out of the house and living independently.
Home practice:
Little kids: Choose your battles. Decide which ones are truly worth pulling the parent card, and which ones warrant more flexibility. Talk it over with your spouse or parenting partner.
Teens: Teens are especially prickly about having the parent card pulled on them. Again, choose your battles, but even more carefully than with the littles. Look for ways you can give them input about family rules that affect them.
Young adult kids: Review our list and discuss with your parenting partner. What would you add? Which ones aren’t a good fit for your family?
Summary of our 5 Self Care articles:
December 2022 was rough for us. Glenn’s dad moved. There was a kidney stone. We got Covid. All of that on top of the usual chaos of the holiday season. With everything that had gone on we declared January to be Self Care month. Each week we dedicated part of each newsletter to a self-care topic and invited everyone to join us in prioritizing Self Care. Here’s a quick summary and links to the 5 articles on self-care that we just finished last week in case you missed any of them.
Remember: Self Care is important because you’re the rock your family is built on. You do your best parenting when you’re at your best. And you’re only at your best if you take the time to take care of yourself.
Self Care Part 1: Self Care Soothes your Body, Mind, and Spirit
Self-soothing is the bedrock of taking care of yourself. The ability to calm yourself when life seems out of control is the foundation of reducing stress in your life. Take time to figure out which soothing techniques work best for you, write them down and post them somewhere you’ll see them often. Self-soothing is so important, infants are born with the ability to do it. Yes, really. Have you noticed sometimes you can’t get an infant to look at you? They avoid eye contact when they’re over-stimulated. It’s a form of self-soothing.
Mindset: “Babies do it, so I can do this too.” 😂
Minimum Viable Practice (MVP): Take one long, slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Self Care Part 2: Your Spiritual Practice
A desire to feel we’re part of something bigger than ourselves seems to be wired into us. Questions such as “Where did we come from?” “Where do we go?” And “What’s the meaning of all this?” have been asked as long as there have been humans. The answers we’ve come up with are as varied as the many cultures that have existed: Nature. Gods. A single God. Spirits. The universe itself. Whatever your personal belief, time spent in a spiritual practice such as contemplation, prayer, or meditation soothes our spirits and calms our minds
Mindset: I am part of something larger than myself.
MVP: Set your timer for 3 minutes of prayer, meditation, or contemplation.
Self Care Part 3: You need a Hobby.
A hobby takes you out of yourself and helps you recharge. It takes your mind off work, the kids, and all the other “important” things you have to be on top of.
Mindset: “I am a whole person. I have interests besides work and parenting and I give myself permission to pursue those interests”
MVP: Set your timer for 5 minutes and actually do something related to your hobby.
Self Care Part 4: You Need Friends and Community
“It takes a village to raise a child” of course, but it also takes a village to support a parent. Do you have a village? If so, nurture it. If not, go get one. Don’t just get friends - be a good friend. Be an active participant in your community - it’s good for your heart, mind, and soul.
Mindset: “I am an important part of my community and I will nurture my connection to it“
MVP: Call a friend.
Self Care Part 5: Fun is the Secret Sauce
“Fun is the antidote to stress.” Re-read this article for a quick reminder of how fun improves your life - and when you include your kids, it improves your connection to them too. Spontaneous fun hacks at our house include: thumb wresting, rock/paper/scissors, race-you-to-the-car, making-up-our-own-rules-to-card-games, and the old favorite: spray people with water : )
Mindset: “Fun is not frivolous. In fact, it’s as important as brushing my teeth.”
MVP: Flick water on someone next time you’re washing dishes 😂
A Polyphemus Moth Newly Emerged from its Chrysalis
This piece is extremely helpful and eminently sensible. Thanks!