Summer camp or TikTok? Which would your kids choose?
Finding the sweet spot between controlling them and giving them complete agency over their own lives.
Parenting Matters #71
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear Awesome Parent,
Ah, summertime. The kids have been in school all year and they couldn’t wait to do their own thing during summer break. But you want them to do something…anything other than screentime all day while you’re at work and they’re home alone. So how do you keep them from spending the rest of the summer on TikTok?
“I don’t want to go to camp this summer.”
“Why not? It sounds really fun. Sailing. Swimming. Canoeing. Biking. Archery. Nature Hikes.”
A shrug with eyes turned away.
“What do you want to do instead?”
“Stay home.”
"Won’t you be bored?” What will you do all day?”
Another shrug.
We were talking to our 10 year old granddaughter and we knew what her plan was: sleep in, then spend the day in bed with her tablet scrolling TikTok, YouTube, and Netflix.
How do we know that? That’s what she’s been doing every day since school got out. Every time we visit, she’s in bed, on the tablet. She just didn’t want to say it because she knows adults like us don’t approve of tablet time all day, every day.
If you’ve been reading our newsletter for any length of time, you know we’re big fans of giving kids agency. Letting them have a say in the decisions that affect their lives. And feeling the consequences, both good and bad.
But is more agency always appropriate?
Of course not. As the interaction with our granddaughter indicates, kids don’t always make the best choices. All day every day in bed on the tablet isn’t good for her body, her mind, or her spirit. And as a parent, you know that. You’re older, wiser, and can see further. That’s why you don’t let them scroll TikTok and YouTube all day. Why you set limits and make decisions about things like summer camp.
Kids make choices based on what they think will bring them pleasure. (Endless scrolling, for instance) instead of what will help them grow and develop. As a parent you make choices for them that you know will benefit them - even if they don’t agree with you. Choices that will enrich their minds. Or develop their bodies and character. Or expose them to experiences, situations, and people they wouldn’t normally encounter. Activities that will broaden their horizons, give them new skills, and show them more options for future careers. (And hopefully they’ll enjoy those experiences too!)
Note: We’re not anti-device. Discretionary device time is fine - as long as it’s not all day. 😂 That’s where having a clear device policy comes in handy (see this article for how to set one up if you don’t already have one.)
So what’s the middle path? The path where you’re not dictating their life, and they’re not making all the decisions either?
Is there a secret formula to calculate when and where to give your kids more control over their lives? Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all perfect answer. Your kids, situation, and values are unique, and those will determine when and where you give your kids more agency in their own lives.
While we can’t give you an exact prescription for when to let your kids make the decisions, we offer you a framework that will allow you to find the balance that will work for your family.
Our approach:
Use your values, your knowledge of your kids, as well as the development goals you have for them to set broad guidelines for their behavior and activities.
Within those boundaries give your kids lots of latitude over how they meet them.
Monitor how they’re meeting your guidelines.
If they meet them, great!
If not, review your expectations and take back some control. But give them a clear path back to having more agency.
How to give agency over summer activities (but not too much) without the drama.
Remember your role. The main roles parents play in their kids lives are caregiver, coach, cheerleader, and consultant. (Notice dictator was not among the options 😂). Here we would also add curator of experiences that are likely to bring about personal or intellectual growth, or strengthen mental, emotional or physical health.
Know your “End-in-Mind”. What do you want your kids’ lives to be like when they’re grown? Happy? Healthy? Independent? Successful? Kind? Curious? Help them choose summer activities that will move them closer to your End-in-Mind.
Have on-going, all year long conversations about the reasons for summer break (and other school breaks): To experience new and different people, places and events. To engage in meaningful activities. To discover new interests, passions and talents. Be sure to mention the negative impacts of too much device use - but don’t beat them over the head with it. Kids hear “screen-time is bad” a lot from adults. Too much of that can just make them tune you out. (Plus, you’ll look bad if you’re on your own devices a lot. 😂)
Ask “What would make this the best summer ever?” Find out which programs, camps, classes, or events they’d like to attend. Have this conversation all year long because it encourages long term thinking and because summer camp sign-ups happen much earlier than you think they should. 😂 Also because sometimes the early-birds get scholarships for pricey activities.
Tell them about the options you’ve identified that meet your goals of number of weeks of structured experiences, affordability, and practical considerations like transportation to and from the programs.
Let them choose which ones to participate in.
What would this look like for our granddaughter?
If we were in charge of our granddaughter’s summer activities (and we are not) we would identify the local camps and enrichment programs long before summer break, let her read about them and put them in order from most desirable to least desirable. Then we’d invite her parents to figure out which ones fit their budget, schedule, and provide enough structure so that she’s got something fun, meaningful and enriching to do for more than half the summer.
Note: We’re not against boredom. We’re just against kids taking the easy way out and alleviating boredom by being on their devices all day. 😂
Want to read more about agency? Click here to read how we used agency to get kids to eat salad. 😂
Home Practice:
It’s not too late to give your kid more agency this summer. Talk to your spouse/parenting partner about it and let us know what happens!
The newest member of our household:
What do you do when you find a baby bird on the sidewalk and its nest is nowhere in sight? You bring it home and feed it! We don’t know if this baby robin is a boy or a girl, but it sure is hungry! It wants to eat about every 15 minutes - and tells us about it at the top of it’s little lungs. Good thing we have lots of worms in garden. 😄