Parenting Matters #74
By: Catherine Lynch and Glenn Collins
Dear awesome parent,
Have you and your parenting partner ever disagreed about something major that made one of you look like the fun parent (for saying “Yes”) and the other look like the mean parent (for saying “No”)?
Is this part of a larger pattern where one of you does most of the emotional heavy lifting and discipline and the other is more indulgent and concentrates on having fun?
Here’s a real life example exactly that situation and the possible long-term consequences for both the parents’ relationship and their relationship with their daughter.
Imagine you and your partner disagree about a major parenting decision.
Imagine you’ve been arguing about it for years.
Now imagine your partner decides to go behind your back and do it their way anyway.
Well, we don’t have to imagine. We been talking with a parent recently and this is exactly what she’s dealing with. Her boyfriend of 4 1/2 years just gave her daughter a brand new iPhone for her 11th birthday. This mother of 3 most definitely DIDN’T want her daughter to have a smartphone yet. She wanted to wait until her daughter was older. But the deed is done. The gift is given. And the daughter is over the moon with happiness.
This mom now feels trapped in a no-win situation. Of course she could just take the phone away and tell her boyfriend to return it. But her daughter would be furious and this would seriously strain their relationship. On top of that her boyfriend would be angry. Her life is already stressful enough and she just doesn’t have the bandwidth to cope with all the anger and resentment that would come her way.
So she’s letting her daughter keep the phone.
Her boyfriend, who has no kids of his own, had his reasons:
He and his girlfriend live apart and he wants to be able to contact the daughter.
She’s starting middle school and he thinks she needs a phone.
But mostly because the daughter REALLY REALLY wanted a smartphone (of course she did!) and he wanted to make her happy.
The mom, on the other hand, didn’t want her to have a phone, for all the usual reasons:
Her daughter will be on social media, TikTok, or games all the time and that will have a negative effect on homework, chores, and family time.
The phone will be a source of conflict and degrade their relationship.
She’s worried about the adverse mental health impacts smartphone use can have on preteens. Especially girls.
Beyond that, this mom knows firsthand all about the problems a smartphone can cause with preteens because she’s already experienced them with her older kid. And she was trying to avoid those challenges with her daughter.
We could debate for months, of course, the pro’s and con’s of giving an 11 year old a smartphone, but that’s not what this is about.
No, this is about something much deeper: the roles that parents fall into and the damage those roles can cause.
In this case, the long-term boyfriend has positioned himself as the generous one. The fun one. He gives the kids lavish gifts. Takes them to expensive restaurants and theme parks. He’s the one who gives them things and lets them do what they want. Of course the kids love it. It’s easy for him and it feels good.
But what does that mean for the mom? She’s the one who’s there 24/7. The one who tells them “Turn off the TV/ipad/phone and go to bed.” or “Clean up the kitchen” or “No, you can’t go out with your friends tonight.” She’s the one who sets limits. She has to be the disciplinarian because her partner isn’t doing any of that.
And now her daughter has a phone. So she has to be the phone police. The one to tell her “Put the phone away and eat your dinner/do your homework/do your chores”. And she’ll be the one to take it away when it becomes too much of a problem - which of course it will because her daughter’s only 11 ☹️
She’s definitely not the fun parent.
It’s all too easy for her kids to think of her as “the mean parent”. The one who says “No”. Who makes them do chores and homework. Who tells them to put away their devices.
This isn’t good for the mom’s relationship with her kids. She’s doing the hard, but necessary, work of setting limits and boundaries and dealing with the resentment and bad feelings that come from that. He, on the other hand, is getting the good feelings that come from being the fun and generous one.
She’s feeling like the mean mommy. Ugh. Not a good feeling.
And if that’s not bad enough, it’s hard on her relationship with her boyfriend too.
She feels like he’s not listening. He doesn’t understand her concerns and he’s not even trying. She feels disrespected and resentful. He’s making her life harder, and he doesn’t even care.
He thinks she's being ridiculous. The daughter wants a phone, he thinks she needs one, and it’s normal that kids her age have one. Therefore she should have a phone. He can afford it, so why not buy her a phone already? He wants her to be happy, and this is a no-brainer.
Yikes, what a mess!
What would we say to this couple if they came to us for advice? (They haven’t - they’re still at the complaining stage and they don’t read our newsletter.)
Here’s what we would tell them if they asked:
Create a device policy so everyone is clear on how much and what kind of phone use is appropriate. (Here’s our article with step-by-step instructions on how to do that.)
Keep the kids busy - especially the ones with phones. Sports and other structured after school and weekend activities will limit the daughter’s free time, create in-person social experiences, and promote physical fitness without the mom having to get on her case about it.
Explore different phone options. There are phones that only call, text, and have games. They don’t have internet or social media. See this article to find out more.
Check out our 3 Pillars Parent framework as an easy way to start thinking about the big picture of parenting philosophy.
Get relationship counseling. It was disrespectful of the boyfriend to simply override the mom’s wishes and get the daughter a phone. It was also a significant violation of trust. We aren’t relationship coaches, but you don’t have to be one to see that disrespect, trust violations, and resentment do nothing good for a relationship.
We know adults who, decades after leaving home, still have a rocky relationship with one parent and a great relationship with the other one. When asked about it, they often trace it back to the fact that the parent they have a poor relationship with was the “heavy”. And the one who they have the good relationship with was the easy or fun parent.
Want a good relationship with your kid when they’re grown? Don’t just be the heavy. Share that role - and share the fun parent role. You don’t have to parent identically, but make a great effort to present a united front on the important things like values, device use, homework, chores, curfews, and anything else that gives you lots of angst in day-to-day life.
Home practice:
Have an honest conversation with your spouse about which role each of you plays more frequently. If you’re the fun parent, commit to doing more discipline and upholding the rules. If you’re the disciplinarian, find ways to inject more fun into daily life with your kids. And if you’re having trouble figuring out which of you has taken on which role, ask yourselves these questions:
Which one of us has more fun/play time with the kids?
Which one of us is doing more of the emotional labor? i.e. deals with the meltdowns, tantrums, and drama?
Which one of us usually tells them to get up/go to bed/do their chores/do their homework/put down the phone/turn off the tv?
Here’s some practical ideas to get you started:
Switch roles for a few hours and work up to switching roles for a few days. Set aside time to talk about what happened, how each of you felt, and what you’d like to do different next time.
Pick a topic. For example, if you’re usually the disciplinarian about devices, let your spouse be the device police for a few hours, or a whole day. Or maybe homework or bedtime is a challenge at your house. Let the fun parent be the one who gets the kids to do their homework or chores.
As always, let us know how it goes.
The camp update:
Remember the kid in this post who didn’t want to go to camp? Well, she went to camp, and she loved it! In fact, she loved it so much that next year she wants to go to all 4 weeks of camp, not just 2 weeks like this year. 😂 Moral of this story: Make your kids do things you know they’ll love. Don’t let them stay home and scroll TikTok or social media all summer. Possible side benefit: She’s social and a natural leader, so we’re hoping she’ll eventually want to be a camp counselor and learn the delicate art of leadership.
A Box Turtle!
Pattern interrupt! We’re used to seeing fast-moving critters like birds, squirrels, and rabbits in the back yard, but something slow-moving caught my attention: Meet our Eastern Box Turtle!
I share the same problem. Most of our arguments come from our different parenting styles. In my case, my husband is usually stern in words, quick to anger but his daily parenting actions say otherwise --- he spoils them, buys them what they want, drives them even when they can commute, and takes over household chores assigned to the children. Ugh, and this irritates me because he deprives the children to learn! And I keep reminding the children to balance out his action. I end up being a nagger mom. 😩